In Session 5 we discuss:
Analyzing too much during dates
Afraid to use dating apps
FOMO in relationships
Dating as a single parent
Bringing a new girl around your explicitly racist friends
Women with tattoos
Fear of death
Fear of making eye contact & starting conversations
Looksmaxxing
When to set up a date on dating apps
Girlfriend has a crazy family
Girlfriend watches hardcore porn
Favorite cocktails
How to stop arguing with women
Girlfriend is neurotic
Growing your account when you’re not anonymous
Girlfriend wants to track location
Foreplay
Comments/Not Questions
Paid subscribers can ask me anything by joining my chat or DMing me directly.
Enjoy 🤍
Analyzing Too Much During Dates
Subscriber: I have a consistent experience dating women where they complain that they feel like I’m evaluating them. Isn’t that what dating is? I’ve asked for clarification but no one is able to explain it other than “it just feels off”. I’m open to improving if I understood the issue. Do you have any idea what’s going on here?
Med: I would assume you’re coming off judgmental and are probably too cerebral while you’re on dates. If this feedback is consistent then you’re probably analyzing them and not actually getting to know them. The latter requires you to be more open-minded and in the moment.
It’s fine to just have fun on a first date and not assess whether or not they’re marriage material. That takes time. Dates are for seeing if you have natural chemistry. Just have fun.
Afraid to Use Dating Apps
Subscriber: Hi Med, love your page I could read it for hours. You spoke on how men & women should be on the apps but as a woman I find it so degrading for some reason. The concept of the apps makes me feel like a hooker on backpage. Any advice on how to get over this? Bc it’s also been about 2 years since I’ve been on a proper date. My issue is I’ve never dated a guy that I wasn’t attracted to and for the past 2 years I’ve only met a couple guys who I’m physically attracted to but the other qualities I’m looking for just aren’t there so I don’t pursue it. I’m not into casual sex. I know i should “get out my comfort zone” but again entertaining a guy i don’t see a future with affects my self esteem. My time is more valuable than that. A part of me feels like I shouldnt be so stuck up but at the same time I have to put myself first - not in a feminist way but in a feminine way if that makes sense … thank you for your time & thoughts 🤍 P.S. miss you on X!!!
Med: You’re making a lot of assumptions about dating apps without much experience to back them up yet. Notice how you see the apps as a concept. You already don’t see a future with guys you haven’t met yet. Everyone is different, and most people are using the apps. Give a few guys a shot.
You’re also not obligated to have sex with someone you met on a dating app by the way. Having the ability to say no even when you want to will help you filter out guys who are solely using it for sex. If they’re actually interested in you, they’ll want to see you again regardless.
I assume you’re scared to put yourself out there. That’s normal. You’ll be okay either way.
FOMO While In Relationships
Subscriber: When committing to someone, how does one truly deal with the FOMO of potential experiences with others?
Med: Men are more likely to experience FOMO in relationships than women. If a man doesn’t have much experience with women, he’ll be more likely to experience FOMO because he will romanticize what he’s missing out on. If he has experience and self-awareness, he’ll know that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
If a woman is experiencing FOMO while in a relationship, she’s already checked out.
Dating as a Single Parent
Subscriber: Hi Med. I’m looking for advice as a single mom on where to meet and how to attract a quality man in my situation. At some point I want to find someone my kids can look up to and provide a relationship example for them. I don’t have a ton of free time since I already have children.
Med: A man who is also in your situation is more likely to meet that criteria. A single father will at least have some experience with raising children. That doesn’t mean he’s necessarily going to be a role model, but the chances are higher vs. a man who doesn’t have any experience raising children.
In terms of where to meet him, I don’t have any recommendations for a specific place. People are people. You could meet people who seem great at one place but turn out to be terrible, and vice versa.
Dating apps come in handy here given you don’t have much free time and you can filter for men who already have kids. I would start there.
Bringing a New Girl Around Your Explicitly Racist Friends
Subscriber: Hi Medgold, this is probably funny but I have a question about introducing a girl to my racist friends. It sounds silly but its become a mental block for me to date more seriously.
I have a great group of friends who have supported me for many years. You will probably call me a faggot (and fair enough) but I’ve toned down my casual use of slurs over the years, mostly due to the potential consequences if the wrong person overheard me. However my friends havent. I would want to bring a girl around to occasional group get togethers, but im not sure how even good women would respond if they break into explicitly racist conversations with slurs and all. Im a bit racist but not to the extent some of them are.
Many of them have managed to get lucky enough to find good girls who are OK with this, mostly from college, but I am single. Im 30.
Im concerned that my serious dating pool is limited to the presumably small % of women who would be OK with this. I wouldnt date a truly liberal woman, but I imagine theres a spectrum between “not a raging leftist” and “OK with regular N bombs and explicit racism.” My main concern is that a girl im seriously dating would either break up with me after finding out my friends beliefs, or more seriously could even try to get me/us cancelled if she was really offended.
Do you have any advice for navigating this situation? Should I ask my friends to tone it down around a girl id bring around (which may or may not happen)? Am I being a faggot and should not worry about it? Id consider just not bringing a girl around those friends but being part of my life it would happen eventually. How do you even feel out if a girl would be chill? I havent dated in a while but this is a genuine mental block for me, and I fear im starting to resent my friends.
Med: First off, you’re smart for toning down your use of slurs IRL. People who can’t code switch depending on the context are liabilities who lack basic social skills.
It’s fine to ask your friends to tone it down around her, but that doesn’t mean they will. If they’re unhinged, you’re taking a risk. This doesn’t make them bad friends, but it does mean they’re retarded. Sometimes our friends are retarded.
Girls don’t like the N word. It comes off very crass. Most girls aren’t a fan of explicit racism in general. There’s exceptions, but there’s really no getting around this. Comes with the territory.
That being said — if a girl breaks up with you because of what your friends think, she’s trash. If she tries to get your friends cancelled for what they believe, she’s crazy. I wouldn’t worry about that given it sounds like you can already sniff these girls out and avoid them.
Most girls will adopt your way of thinking over time if you remain firm and don’t try to control what they think. This requires finesse.
You can think whatever you want. It’s how you express those beliefs and what you do with them that matters. There’s nothing wrong with keeping some things close to the chest and living your life accordingly.
Women with Tattoos
Subscriber: Hi Med! I don’t think you ever mentioned tattoos in a woman, from even the smallest to big ones. I know women are sentimental and love those little ‘’memory savings’‘ or something like that when they can immortalize something. However for me even a single small tattoo gives me... i guess the ‘’woman ick’‘? especially if the woman is young and pretty. With bigger ones I’m curious about your opinion bceause it’s a mixed bag for me - sometimes nice and structurized tattos can look good and when you talk to the woman she’s... just completely nice and womanly? The other times in my experience is all obese whales with like 60% tatto instead of skin. So to summarize - what is your take on tattos? and why attractive and clearly feminine women choose to tattoo themselves?
Med: It doesn’t matter to me that much. Some tattoos are well-done and some look trashy. I don’t like trashy tattoos. Ideally they don’t have any, but we don’t live in an ideal world. I’ve known great girls with tattoos and I’ve known terrible girls without tattoos. It’s superficial criteria to judge someone on.
Fear of Death
Subscriber: Hi Med. I remember from your posts (or was it podcast?) when you talked about your relationship with death. You said you were comfortable with it, and you also mentioned it has to do with your experience with people and their deaths.
I think death itself it’s not terrifying. Like never waking up again or whatever. But what is really daunting are the things associated with it, and the things we’d have to face and experience. Like cancer or disease you have no control over, you’d face declining health and pain. Or seeing a love one get hurt, or the idea of never seeing them again, that thought itself causes pain.
It kind of can be distilled down to around not being afraid of the unknown possibilities (which has lots of connections to other aspects of life).
Are you like just willing to accept and face whatever comes in your way, or something a bit different? And what influenced you to feel that way?
Med: This is an important question.
I’ve lost a good amount of people in my life who I loved deeply, mostly family members. I find open caskets to be disturbing. One time at a funeral I called someone I trusted and asked them if it’s weird that I don’t want to get on my knees and pray in front of them. “That isn’t them. That’s a corpse pumped with embalmment fluid and a lot of makeup. This is weird.” They said “That isn’t what’s important. What’s important is the memories you have of them. And that you don’t lose them.”
I was close enough with this person to where it was appropriate for me to give a speech at the wake. This was very hard for me to do without crying. I got up there and told them two great memories I had of them. The second memory was funny. It made everyone laugh and remember something nice about who they really were. I’m very happy I did this. I have a picture of them in my home that can be easily seen. I think about them a lot.
Grief made me become a glass half-full person. I try to appreciate the good things about the people I love and create as many good memories with them as possible. That’s the most you can do.
Fear of Making Eye Contact & Initiating Conversations
Subscriber: In your recent post(medgold.co/p/generational-collapse-why-life-stages), you mentioned that hardly anyone is interesting anymore, and the only way to find out whether someone is interesting is by getting to know them.
I was reminded of this at the gym. From what I see outside, people mostly mind their own business nowadays. Words are rarely exchanged. Eye contact is also rare.
Outside of a natural interaction like asking someone for a spot or if this bench is taken or whatever, how do you force an interaction smoothly? I mean the kind of interaction that actually leads to getting to know someone. Like do you just look someone in their eyes, their face, then smile and say hi? I don’t know if you (or anyone) can relate, but, I have a natural aversion towards looking at anyone directly, or being looked at directly, which I’ve noticed about myself.
In (medgold.co/p/the-dark-path-to-increasing-the-birth-rate), you talk about walking up to hot women and talking to them. But like, what substance is there, what did I initiate the convo for? Am I just complimenting her so she knows I’m hitting on her? I’m 19 and still inexperienced w/ people so some of this sounds ambiguous to me. Grew up a bit too online, am fairly good looking around my area and age, but sometimes I genuinely don’t know how to act irl.
So basically two questions: (1) Suggestions on looking at people problem, and getting looked at; I think staring or looking at someone without saying anything is usually very awkward for both parties. How would you carry yourself in these situations? (2) Can you recommend a framework for initiating convos [an excuse to talk to ppl? something you generally ask ppl? an action like eye contact and smile?
Med: Fear of eye contact is a confidence issue. The less you care about what people think of you, and are living a life where you’re able to sleep at night, the easier you’re able to look them in the eye. It has a lot to do with being comfortable in your own skin.
Looking yourself in the eyes in the mirror is a good place to start. It might feel dumb but it will make you less afraid.
Starting conversations with people depends on the context and the situation. For example, if you’re both waiting on line somewhere and it’s taking a while, you can break the ice by saying something about it. What’s most important is that you broke the ice. It doesn’t need to be anything that deep or thought out. Ideally it’s funny and lighthearted.
Sometimes they’ll respond with something back. Now you’re in banter territory. Sometimes they won’t. They might just not be in the mood to talk to anyone. It’s nothing personal.
Looksmaxxing
Subscriber: Do you recommend any cosmetic enhancements for men beyond basic skin care and living a mostly healthy lifestyle? Things like hair transplants if youre norwooding, botox/skin treatments, GLPs? On one hand these can improve appearance, and have done so for women (megyn kelly and lana del rey for example cleary go beyond basic skin creams). On the other hand, being too concerned with looks is more of a female trait. What do you think?
Subscriber 2: Similar: I am 25, and I slowly recognize genetic hair loss. If similar to my fater, it will develop into severe boldness over the coming decade, and I am not sure how to deal with it. Blasting my body with medication which alters hormones seems fucked up, but a hair transplantation will not be to fix it long term. Or am I just a pussy?
Med: It’s fine to want to look good. You should do whatever you can to look better — within reason. You don’t want to go overboard by nuking your hormones and/or looking ridiculous. You don’t want to obsess over how you look either. Men need to worry about this less than women, as I talked about in Stop Looksmaxxing.
When To Set Up a Date on Dating Apps
Subscriber: I’m great at getting girl’s numbers either on apps or irl but usually get ghosted before I can set up a date. Any advice on how long to wait before pushing for a date, common texting mistakes, how to generally keep interest going etc...
Med: There isn’t a science to it but you don’t want to wait too long to pull the trigger. I’ve found that some initial banter, flirting, then setting up a date is what works best. I would do try to get this done within 24 hours of starting the conversation.
Girlfriend With Crazy Family
Subscriber: Hi Med, How much do you think a girl’s family should matter when choosing her as a long-term partner? At what point does it become enough of an impediment to break up with her?
I’ve been in a new relationship for a few months now and everything with her is going fantastic, she’s quite lovely. She’s beautiful, smart, outgoing, quite talented, meshes with my friends and family very well, and laughs at my racist jokes. She’s also very feminine and we have incredible chemistry at a 1-on-1 level. Definitely the most “for-me” girl I’ve dated yet.
My only concern in pursuing a long-term commitment would be that there are certain family dynamics on her side that seem very foreign and odd to me compared to how I grew up. She’s white, so it’s not a cultural thing, but there’s things on that side that I know I would not want my children to be exposed or acclimated to when they’re young.
Any thoughts on how to approach this? Thanks as always Med.
Med: If she acknowledges that these dynamics aren’t normal, that’s a good sign. If the sweeps them under the rug or rationalizes them, that’s a bad sign.
If she knows these dynamics aren’t good to raise children around, it’s worth having a conversation with her about it to make sure you’re on the same page. If she thinks it’s fine, I’d try to make her see that it isn’t. This requires a light touch — family is a sensitive topic.
Keep in mind — you’re not just marrying her. You’re marrying her family.
Everyone’s family is a bit crazy. It’s a matter of how much crazy you’re willing to tolerate and how you’re going to manage their craziness when it comes up.
Girlfriend Watches Hardcore Porn
Subscriber: Together for 8 months, have sex a lot and took her virginity but LDR when on break as I’m international
i asked my GF if she has ever watched porn
she told me she watched it when we were on winter break(college)
she watched it several times throughout the week because she was horny and to get off.
She said her favorite ones were gangbang which she said she watched a handful of times and 3 somes and some. 1 on 1
I don’t know how to feel about this especially the gang bang videos, I told her it’s disgusting , she said she was sorry and cried but I didn’t say anything. She said she thought I wouldn’t care and she wanted to tell me but was scared of what I’d think of her
Med: This isn’t something any man wants to hear. But you asked the question. It’s best not to ask a question you might not like the answer to.
Women are incredibly horny. Far hornier than men. If a girl ever reveals her innermost fantasies to you, you’re going to hear some dark things.
If she isn’t watching it habitually, I wouldn’t worry about it.
Favorite Cocktails
Subscriber: What are your favorite cocktails?
Med: It depends on my mood and where I am. If I’m at a steakhouse I like a dirty gin martini with blue cheese olives. If I’m at a dive bar I’ll get a tequila soda. If I’m at home I’ll usually have scotch neat or wine. If I’m at a cocktail bar I’ll order a mezcal negroni. If I’m at a restaurant it depends on what I’m eating. It all depends.
How To Stop Arguing With Women
Subscriber: I’m curious how you would recommend men deal with arguments with women. It’s an area I personally have difficulty in. My personal approach is to communicate, resolve issues, and correct misunderstandings, rather than sweep them under the rug, as they might lead to lingering resentments. However, taking this approach can make things worse, especially if she doesn’t engage. The red pill approach is to avoid arguments, and to simply acknowledge and move on, to ensure you don’t enter her frame. How would you approach disagreements, and the characteristically female tendency to make them personal?
Med: I don’t really care if people agree with me or not. It’s good to be at a place where you can say “This is how I feel. If we don’t agree, then we don’t agree. It’s no problem.” This approach will typically make someone reconsider their position. It might even get them to come around to yours, even if they won’t admit it.
There’s a difference between persuading someone and trying to control what they think. The former is appealing to their reason, which tends to work better with men. The latter comes off defensive and insecure, which will always backfire with women. The most you can do is say your piece once and not repeat yourself.
Girlfriend is Neurotic
Subscriber: Hi Med. My fiancé is quite neurotic, analyzing and considered herself an “autonomous” and “independent” career woman, up until she met me. I find these to be empty concepts, because rootlessness sacrifices the possibility of enduring meaning and legacy, and she obviously shares my perspective, on some level. We talk about kids names, but she’s also having an “identity crisis” in anticipation of transitioning to a new life as a “boring” wife/ mother, from a highly mobile investment banker.
Ultimately, I believe people express their preferences through action, which is why she made the series of decisions that has led up to today, but part of her seems to be wavering. I’ve conveyed my perspective (putting down roots is meaningful, and being boring/conventional depends on how one approaches life, not their job and location), we haven’t fought, and our relationships feels strong, but there might be something brewing in the background. I say “might” because women are often full of shit. She’s now planning to consult a mystic about her “crisis.”
Do you have any explanation for what might really underpins her psychology? And what is the best way to navigate it? Should I approach this as a shit-test?
Med: Try to look at it from her perspective. She’s making a huge life change for you. That’s a good thing. There’s some legitimacy to the identity crisis she’s having.
I think you’re entertaining her neurosis too much and taking her random thoughts too seriously. By getting into it with her, you’re validating everything she’s worrying about. This keeps her worries alive.
Whenever she starts panicking, just listen to her and tell her you’re going to figure it out together and everything is going to be okay. The more you can make her feel safe, the less she is going to seek out a mystic.
Growing Your Account When You’re Not Anonymous
Subscriber: What’s the best and fastest way to grow on X right now if you’re not an anon account?
Med: I think you should post anonymously. I’m biased though. I assume everyone who isn’t anonymous is muffling what they really think in some way.
If you’re funny and your ideas stand out, your account will grow.
Girlfriend Wants to Track Location
Subscriber: Hey man, love how actionable your writing is. I’ve made a huge changes from what I read in a single post.
My gf is always asking to see the text where my friends and I scheduled a meetup etc. or anything like that to make sure I’m not lying about where I’m going. I don’t want to show her that because it’s no way to live. Of course, I could just end things, but you’ve written that this stuff just means they need to feel safe, and if there’s a way to make her feel that instead I’d prefer it
Med: Thank you. I love to hear that.
There’s a balance between making her feel safe and entertaining her neurosis. I would tell her that she needs to trust you. If she doesn’t trust you, then try to understand why. It might not have anything to do with you. It might have to do with her past.
But it’s important that you don’t live that way. You can be non-negotiable on this while wanting to understand why she doesn’t trust you. If you come at it from a place where you’re genuinely curious about why she feels the way she does, it will have a better chance of resolving itself.
Foreplay
Subscriber: Overall I think your take about women has a lot of accuracy and merit. Underfucked women go insane, bottomless sexual desires, etc. -- overall I get it, and think you’re definitely onto something.
Here are some followup questions on the details of this view -- feel free either to answer here or as content in an article or AMA.
a) How does we reconcile this view --- “bottomless sexual desires,” “need to regularly orgasm,” etc --- with the apparent need of women for *lots of foreplay* before penetration?
If they need a regular fucking so badly, why does it require extra patience to convert the latent horniness into realized sex?
b) Again being somewhat literal here: You state that women are “underfucked” and “need to orgasm regularly.” Luckily my own partner orgasms from penetration. So fucking her regularly is compatible with regular orgasms for her.
However, I believe women who say they can’t/don’t orgasm from penetrative sex. What are their partners supposed to do?
One option is i) Fuck them and give them oral. But, giving them oral seems incompatible with the desire for domination you ascribe to female sexuality (which I think is real).
Alternatively, ii) maybe you don’t mean “regular orgasms’ in a literal sense -- and what you mean is just regular sexual attention.
Finally, iii) maybe you don’t actually believe there are women who can’t orgasm from penetration, and you think the males just need to be better in bed. Or iv) maybe you have a different answer to this question.
Thoughts welcome on both questions a) and b)!
Med: I think you’re taking what I say too literally. Yes, women need to orgasm regularly, but foreplay leads up to that. Foreplay is fun and can be just as intimate if not more intimate than sex.
I wouldn’t look at everything through the lens of dominant/submissive either, especially foreplay. Just let it happen and see where it goes. You want to be as in the moment, meaning, there with her (and not in your head), as possible.
If a girl can’t cum from penetration the guy is either bad at sex or she’s on medication that’s preventing her from getting there. Sometimes she’s too stuck in her head and/or doesn’t feel sexy.
Comments/Not Questions
Subscriber: All I want to say is that I MISS YOU, Med!
X is duller/much much less fun when you’re not on there. ☹️
Happy you’re here tho! 🤗💕💖
Med: Thank you. I’m finding endless discussion of politics to be increasingly low class. The vibes are terrible there. Taking a break once again, for now.
Subscriber: Question is; What would it take to convince you that Tucker and Fuentes are retards? And why should I think they are not retards?
I get that you hold a view on this, deeply, however I think they’re both edgelord wackjobs.
Med: It sounds like you’ve made up your mind about what you and I think of them. Feel free to send a better question.
Subscriber: Unblock me please, thanks, it was just a joke and you blocked me :D When you come back, I’ll be able to like your stuff again like I used to, because your content is really good.
Med: No.
Subscriber: Listening to Jenny was a friend of mine and immediately missing Med on twitter
Med: So true. Hot Fuss is a perfect album.
Subscriber: What kind of context do you inhabit career-wise, vocation-wise? What are your greatest compromises? What do you count as success(es)?
Med: I’m anonymous for a reason, so I can’t say anything about that.
Related Posts
I have a couple of suggestions for the 19-year-old who finds it hard to initiate conversation. This is something I was just talking about with someone last week. In-person conversation can feel much more vulnerable than texting, so it helps to practice in low-stakes situations. One habit I have taught my daughters (my eldest is 19 also), is to stay off their phones when we are waiting in line. Not to meet a romantic partner, but simply to get comfortable making small talk with strangers. Being off your phone also makes you look more available to engage with. And when you are not on your phone, you start noticing people around you who are also just waiting. Maybe they look bored, maybe a little awkward, maybe a bit anxious. That is your opening to make a simple, genuine observation. If you notice something in their cart that looks good, you might say, “That looks great, have you tried it before?” Or you can comment on the environment: “This line is moving fast today”. I once had someone see the squash in my cart and told me he’d been wanting to buy some, but was not sure what the best way to cook it was, and he asked me how I cook it…and so on. Start with one small observation, then ask one small question. If they do not seem interested, no problem. Just smile and let it go. Older people can be especially great for practicing small talk with strangers because the conversation is usually light, there is less pressure, and you often hear interesting stories. This is simply for getting comfortable to connect with strangers. And over time, these small interactions should help you build more confidence, and that carries over when you want to talk to someone you are actually interested in.
Also, eye contact is another thing that gets awkward the more you overthink it. It can feel exposing, especially with strangers. Notice how natural it is when you are talking to a friend about something you genuinely care about. You are not calculating eye contact at all. It comes and goes naturally. That is what you want in small talk too. A helpful trick is to shift your focus away from “Am I doing eye contact right?” and toward “Am I listening?” When you are actually listening, your face softens, you nod, you glance away to think, and you come back. It looks natural because it is natural. Think of eye contact as a check-in, not a test. You look to connect, then you look away as you think, then you return. Another small tip is if direct eye contact feels too intense, look at the bridge of their nose or one eyebrow. It reads as eye contact, but feels less awkward.
Hey Med, love your writing. Waiting for you to continue w the Sopranos series, especially a write up on Johnny Sack. Thank you!