I have a couple of suggestions for the 19-year-old who finds it hard to initiate conversation. This is something I was just talking about with someone last week. In-person conversation can feel much more vulnerable than texting, so it helps to practice in low-stakes situations. One habit I have taught my daughters (my eldest is 19 also), is to stay off their phones when we are waiting in line. Not to meet a romantic partner, but simply to get comfortable making small talk with strangers. Being off your phone also makes you look more available to engage with. And when you are not on your phone, you start noticing people around you who are also just waiting. Maybe they look bored, maybe a little awkward, maybe a bit anxious. That is your opening to make a simple, genuine observation. If you notice something in their cart that looks good, you might say, “That looks great, have you tried it before?” Or you can comment on the environment: “This line is moving fast today”. I once had someone see the squash in my cart and told me he’d been wanting to buy some, but was not sure what the best way to cook it was, and he asked me how I cook it…and so on. Start with one small observation, then ask one small question. If they do not seem interested, no problem. Just smile and let it go. Older people can be especially great for practicing small talk with strangers because the conversation is usually light, there is less pressure, and you often hear interesting stories. This is simply for getting comfortable to connect with strangers. And over time, these small interactions should help you build more confidence, and that carries over when you want to talk to someone you are actually interested in.
Also, eye contact is another thing that gets awkward the more you overthink it. It can feel exposing, especially with strangers. Notice how natural it is when you are talking to a friend about something you genuinely care about. You are not calculating eye contact at all. It comes and goes naturally. That is what you want in small talk too. A helpful trick is to shift your focus away from “Am I doing eye contact right?” and toward “Am I listening?” When you are actually listening, your face softens, you nod, you glance away to think, and you come back. It looks natural because it is natural. Think of eye contact as a check-in, not a test. You look to connect, then you look away as you think, then you return. Another small tip is if direct eye contact feels too intense, look at the bridge of their nose or one eyebrow. It reads as eye contact, but feels less awkward.
Hey Med, maybe you didn’t see the question on the other AMA.
Here it is again: „In your post about On Vulnerability Management you wrote about "The One" - could you please elaborate a bit about it? Some examples would be very helpful. Thanks a lot!“
I've been seeing this girl for 3 months now, she is drop - dead gorgeous, smart and incredibly funny
I really like her and I enjoy her company alot, because of this I naturally made her my girlfriend and so far it has been going exceptionally well
The problem is, she comes from a completely different culture and faith to mine, to the point I experience a sense of cultural shock and looming dread on the very long term
We are both still young, working but still in college etc. We have touched on the culture compatibility topic before but have had to redirect it after understanding where it is heading
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, I would feel devastated ending such a fantastic relationship because of an issue I do mostly see as more neurotic than logical, but at the same time I can't shake of this doubt and fear that I could be leading her on
I have a couple of suggestions for the 19-year-old who finds it hard to initiate conversation. This is something I was just talking about with someone last week. In-person conversation can feel much more vulnerable than texting, so it helps to practice in low-stakes situations. One habit I have taught my daughters (my eldest is 19 also), is to stay off their phones when we are waiting in line. Not to meet a romantic partner, but simply to get comfortable making small talk with strangers. Being off your phone also makes you look more available to engage with. And when you are not on your phone, you start noticing people around you who are also just waiting. Maybe they look bored, maybe a little awkward, maybe a bit anxious. That is your opening to make a simple, genuine observation. If you notice something in their cart that looks good, you might say, “That looks great, have you tried it before?” Or you can comment on the environment: “This line is moving fast today”. I once had someone see the squash in my cart and told me he’d been wanting to buy some, but was not sure what the best way to cook it was, and he asked me how I cook it…and so on. Start with one small observation, then ask one small question. If they do not seem interested, no problem. Just smile and let it go. Older people can be especially great for practicing small talk with strangers because the conversation is usually light, there is less pressure, and you often hear interesting stories. This is simply for getting comfortable to connect with strangers. And over time, these small interactions should help you build more confidence, and that carries over when you want to talk to someone you are actually interested in.
Also, eye contact is another thing that gets awkward the more you overthink it. It can feel exposing, especially with strangers. Notice how natural it is when you are talking to a friend about something you genuinely care about. You are not calculating eye contact at all. It comes and goes naturally. That is what you want in small talk too. A helpful trick is to shift your focus away from “Am I doing eye contact right?” and toward “Am I listening?” When you are actually listening, your face softens, you nod, you glance away to think, and you come back. It looks natural because it is natural. Think of eye contact as a check-in, not a test. You look to connect, then you look away as you think, then you return. Another small tip is if direct eye contact feels too intense, look at the bridge of their nose or one eyebrow. It reads as eye contact, but feels less awkward.
Thank you Mihaela!!
Hey Med, love your writing. Waiting for you to continue w the Sopranos series, especially a write up on Johnny Sack. Thank you!
👑
Hey Med, maybe you didn’t see the question on the other AMA.
Here it is again: „In your post about On Vulnerability Management you wrote about "The One" - could you please elaborate a bit about it? Some examples would be very helpful. Thanks a lot!“
Yes, my apologies. I will write something about this.
No worries, looking forward to it! 🙏🏽
I've been seeing this girl for 3 months now, she is drop - dead gorgeous, smart and incredibly funny
I really like her and I enjoy her company alot, because of this I naturally made her my girlfriend and so far it has been going exceptionally well
The problem is, she comes from a completely different culture and faith to mine, to the point I experience a sense of cultural shock and looming dread on the very long term
We are both still young, working but still in college etc. We have touched on the culture compatibility topic before but have had to redirect it after understanding where it is heading
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, I would feel devastated ending such a fantastic relationship because of an issue I do mostly see as more neurotic than logical, but at the same time I can't shake of this doubt and fear that I could be leading her on
Haha! Thanks for not answering my question! Cheers!
I did answer your question. It’s at the end.
Oh yes, I saw it! Cheers.
🥂