In Session 6 we discuss:
Paid subscribers can ask me anything by joining my chat or DMing me directly.
Enjoy 🤍
First and Second Date Ideas
Subscriber: Hey Med. Extremely basic question but I was wondering what your “go to” first and even second dates are. I’m 22 and have a bit of experience but would love to know if you have any suggestions.
Med: I prefer getting drinks on the first date. I like to pick a place with a good ambiance that isn’t too loud so you can both hear each other. It’s a great way to get to know each other and flirt, assuming you’re a fun drunk. If you’re a depressing drunk or a sloppy drunk, then I don’t recommend getting drinks on the first date.
If the first date goes well then I’ll also do drinks on the second date. If I see it going somewhere long-term then I’ll do dinner, but I typically save that for the third date.
In America, you’re usually sitting across from each other at restaurants and it can feel a bit like like an interview. It’s less intimate.
Demoralized Zoomers Embracing Looksmaxxing
Subscriber: Hey Med, I think a lot of trends that popped off over the last few years (Looksmaxxing, Male Depression Industry content, online self improvement), are all responses from a demoralized generation.
Gen Z guys have a weird new gnostic worldview where they feel suffocated by the modern economic system and culture. The rise of popularity in the content I mentioned, reflects a constant (online) search for more knowledge, as a way to escape the system by bypassing it
I’m 26, I don’t see modern culture or the economic system changing soon. Though my own attitude to this isn’t defeatist, I see many guys who are completely broken down by it. My question is, how do you revitalise young men in this context?
Med: Everyone is a product of their environment to some extent, but not everyone. Some people are naturally more skeptical and move to the beat of their own drum. They’re more likely to think and do things for themselves. I like to think my subscribers fall into this category.
But looking at the bigger picture — a lot of these issues are economic and structural. I listed some of the issues both men and women are facing in the below post.
America will need to do a complete 180 in how the country operates to give young people a path to live a good life instead of embracing nihilism.
That being said, that doesn’t mean people don’t have options. There’s still plenty of ways to carve out a good life for yourself, but it’s much harder now than it needs to be.
The Pros and Cons of Bullying
Subscriber: Can you elaborate on how stopping bullying in schools led to men becoming weak? Are there boundaries of behavior you think should be enforced by schools --- even if you think the anti-bullying movement went too far?
Med: Men have ways of checking each other’s behavior. That’s usually done by making fun of each other or calling each other a faggot or a pussy when they’re being weak. The intention isn’t to damage, but to make us tougher and hold ourselves to higher standards as men.
That being said, bullying is a real thing. Some kids get picked on mercilessly for no reason and don’t necessarily become tougher because of it. In high school, these types of bullies are often directing the rage they have towards their parents on people weaker than them as an outlet because they’re powerless at home.
On one hand, this can inspire the person getting bullied to get stronger and defend themselves. On the other hand, there shouldn’t be no rules in high school. Otherwise, it becomes violent. Bullies need to be checked as well.
Unfortunately our culture is too coddling of everyone’s feelings and has gone overboard to the point where there’s no middle ground to let boys be boys.
Dealing with Ubiquitous Wokeness
Subscriber: What are your views on not cutting your nose off to spite your face? For example say there’s a restaurant you really enjoy but they decide to go on a woke rampage and throw support at several causes you disagree with. Could also be said about musicians, authors, the world at large.
When you find something you like but then they support gay race communism it’s hard to take that thing serious again.
Med: It comes with the territory at this point, so it’s pretty unavoidable. Products are a means to an end. For example, if a cafe makes incredible coffee, but all of the baristas are obese troons, then so be it. I don’t like it, but as long as the coffee is good, then I can let it go. There’s not much you can do about it. The other option is to open up your own cafe, or live like a hermit. Neither seem worth it.
Dealing With Easily-Offended Women
Subscriber: Hey Med, do you think girls have become more scared of men in recent years? From my recent dating experience, it seems like you have to walk on eggshells in the early stages just so you don’t “scare hoes”. I don’t know if it’s their anxiety, SSRIs, pills, or socials that’s driving it.
How do you navigate these waters?
Med: If you can give me an example I can give you a better answer, but in general — it’s good to not scare the hoes. Some women have definitely been programmed to be hypersensitive and look for reasons to be offended, but not all of them.
Regardless, you should hide your “power level” around women, especially in the early stages. After trust is built and they’re very attracted to you, they’re more likely to look the other way or embrace your value system.
Dealing with Psychopaths on Twitter
Subscriber: Hey Med, I think I stumbled upon a phenomenon in Twitter, where I said something objectively funny but I know have a swarm of crazy (women) people coming in and misinterpreting and sick their friends to just call you some of the most vile and creepy stuff. Ultimately, I think it’s a huge waste of time to be on Twitter, which is pushing me to leave, but I don’t wanna give the idiots fuel. But the long-term goal is ultimately to leave so how did you reflect on that because your account was huge and I looked up to you but you stepped away and I’m sure you got tons of shit every day in tandem you probably got a lot of support too.
So my direct question is, how did you deal with the Internet crazies on Twitter and then how did you finally decide to leave because I think I need that help of a push to leave
Med: You sent this question over prior to me publishing The Death of Twitter, but I didn’t mention anything specific that caused me to leave. Honestly, it was a long time coming. Over the last 2 years I became increasingly frustrated with how stupid and hostile the people are there. I was also heavily shadowbanned. Something just clicked one day. “This place is beneath me. I don’t like it here. Why am I doing this?”
With regard to internet crazies, I wrote about this in Internet Psychopaths - Part 1: The Obsessive. But to summarize, I got used to it after a while. Haters are like gnats. Blocking them feels like turning on the windshield wipers. They’re gone for good. When it comes to obsessives, I came to accept that I trigger a certain type of guy in a pretty profound way, and I actually feel bad for them. Most of them just want me to like them. Regardless, never acknowledging their existence is the way to handle them. They usually move on.
Cultural Differences in Relationships
Subscriber: l’ve been seeing this girl for 3 months now, she is drop - dead gorgeous, smart and incredibly funny
I really like her and I enjoy her company a lot, because of this I naturally made her my girlfriend and so far it has been going exceptionally well
The problem is, she comes from a completely different culture and faith to mine, to the point I experience a sense of cultural shock and looming dread on the very long term
We are both still young, working but still in college etc. We have touched on the culture compatibility topic before but have had to redirect it after understanding where it is heading
I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, I would feel devastated ending such a fantastic relationship because of an issue I do mostly see as more neurotic than logical, but at the same time I can’t shake of this doubt and fear that I could be leading her on
Med: Cultural and religious differences can definitely cause tension. But if the relationship is fantastic and you two actually love each other, then you’ll navigate those waters as you cross them. I wouldn’t end the relationship preemptively. You will regret it. If it doesn’t work out, at least you know you gave it your best shot. See it through.
Feeling Like You’re Not High Quality
Subscriber: You’ve talked before about men holding more cards than they realize in dating. But practically speaking, does that apply for the top 20, 10, 5, 1 percent man, or does it apply to any reasonably put-together guy? Im certain most of your readers putting in work to have something going on but just factually most guys won’t end to rich/high status/good looking.
I want to take more agency with women and have more self confidence in dating but don’t want to be delusional either
Med: It all comes down to you. I wouldn’t think about dating in terms of how men as a concept are perceived by women. What matters is how you perceive yourself. If you’re honest with yourself and perceive yourself highly, then women will too.
I also wouldn’t think about this “top 20%” thing too much. It’s mostly relative and unmeasurable, therefore it’s make-believe. There are some objective measures, but they’re mostly common sense. As you said, being well put-together goes a long way, as well as not being broke. If there’s things you need to do to get there, then you should do them.
But focusing too much on how you look and less on who you are as a man is going to make you feel hopeless. Prioritizing looks simply isn’t how women operate. They prioritize character above the superficial.
Go to the gym as much as possible. Get big. This will increase your testosterone significantly. This will make you feel better about yourself. I know this is very basic advice — but it works.
I also recommend reading some of the posts I linked below.
Can Straight Men Be Happy Without Women?
Subscriber: Can a heterosexual man be genuinely happy without any sexual and romantic activity in his life? If so, what are the conditions?
Med: No. Any man who claims otherwise is lying to himself.
Developing Taste
Subscriber: How do I develop taste?
Med: Everyone has taste, but not necessarily good taste. I don’t know if good taste can be taught, but I can only speak for myself. I believe Beauty is objective. I have strong instincts for what is and isn’t beautiful. Something is either beautiful or it isn’t.
Don’t be ashamed about wanting and being allured by the most beautiful things. I think a lot of people have bad taste because they don’t feel worthy of possessing Beauty, or allowing Beauty to completely overtake them.
Dismantling People on Twitter
Subscriber: How do I dismantle people with words? (like the way you do it on twitter lol)
Med: I don’t have great instructions when it comes to this. I’m just honest and call things as I see them.
Quitting Weed
Subscriber: Hi Med, what would you say to help someone like me to quit smoking weed daily? I’m 27, never dated before or even been on a date (I’ll admit I’m petrified of Women. Not sure why but the idea of a relationship seems impossible), I’m not fat but I’m also not ripped I have a slight build, I’m somewhat attractive since I’ve gotten compliments before, I’ve been dead broke my whole life but I started a business that is doing better lately, I’m in debt because I spent a lot of money on self-help content ever since COVID (with plans to pay off since I have work in my books), I have good friends who will help me if I need it, and I smoke weed everyday. Not to mention I live with my parents with siblings who enforce very liberal views, with plans to move out in the coming months.
I’m on it 24/7 and I don’t like it. It smells bad, makes me anti-social, less confident, I feel like it suppresses my testosterone since I feel so small in a room full of people. I obviously recognize all of this and how bad the stuff is. But I continue to smoke it because living sober in reality feels even worse given the above situation. I’m working hard to get out of the crappy environment I’m in at home and I need to do the inner work because I don’t handle pressure too well.
Any advice, critiques, or comments is appreciated. Thank you
Med: I also used to smoke weed a lot, so I know how you’re feeling. It definitely has all of the effects you listed. I stopped cold turkey, so that’s what I recommend you do. You will feel strange being sober for a while, and less like yourself — but you will see benefits quickly. You will likely have very vivid dreams for a while because weed suppresses REM sleep. You’ll also start to think clearer and have more energy. This process is bringing you back to homeostatis.
It sounds like you know this is holding you back, so I recommend stopping today.
Unlearning Manosphere Content
Subscriber: Hi Med, What advice would you give to someone trying to get out of the Male Depression Industry? Without divulging too much, I have spent a few years consuming the opinions of people I really shouldn’t have, and I was young and impressionable enough to uncritically take these assumptions on board, to the point where it’s almost unconscious. I am someone who has struggled with self-confidence for a very long time, and I’d very much appreciate any tips you have on how to un-fuck myself.
Big fan of your essays, thanks for all you do.
Med: The fact you’re aware of the effect it’s had on you is 80% of the battle. Most men aren’t able to admit they’ve been brainwashed. So the fact you have the confidence to admit that goes a very long way.
There’s a big unlearning process to come. The more you stay away from it and the more you learn about life and women through your own direct experiences, the more confident you will be. This won’t happen overnight, but I guarantee you it will happen over time. You’re on the right track.
Dating Options While Living in The Middle of Nowhere
Subscriber: Hi Med, I have a specific question but would also appreciate any advice you have on my situation as well.
I’m a 32 year old woman and single again after a 5ish month relationship. I’m not stopping traffic but I’m not bad looking either. I have a professional degree and the white collar job that comes along with it. It’s a good money and it’s pretty lax, but it’s a bit of an albatross. I work basically 100% from home. I live in the middle nowhere because I want to be close to my mom who’s older and because I don’t have a reason to be anywhere else.
Together, WFH and being in the middle of nowhere are basically catastrophic for meeting anyone. My now ex-BF, who I met through an app, lived about an hour away. He lived close to the city that’s closest to me (it’s a third rate city and not worth living there).
I don’t have a lot of family. Just my mom, a brother I’m not close with, and a few relatives in New England.
The most important thing to me is meeting the right guy (I had one long failed relationship in my 20s, I wasn’t out partying). I can go anywhere in the US that I can afford (not NY, DC, Boston, etc. I’d be scrounging for sure), but I have no reason to be anywhere in particular but here.
I have so much to choose from and so little to go on. And no where in the US really excites me. I’d have moved to a big city already if they weren’t all overrun with crime, overpriced, and stinking of weed. A small city that’s pretty safe and skews to my age group would be great. Any suggestions? Also, my politics are very similar to yours so I’d prefer not be in a place that’s totally liberal.
Also, I’ve heard the dating apps are dead now. Is that true?
Med: I would take advantage of the fact that you have the financial means to move to a better location. Dating in low population areas can be rough.
I recommend checking out cities that are more middle-of-the-road politically. They’ll be less likely to be crime-ridden and reeking of weed. It’s not guaranteed, but I would start there. Take a few weekend trips to see what feels best.
Friend is Marrying the Wrong Girl
Subscriber: Hi Med, hope you’re doing well. A question for your next AMA, if any is planned in the future: my friend is marrying his Oneitis of 12+ years. He desperately wants kids, she’s firmly against it and gets emotional when he brings it up. He says if she says no he’ll marry her anyway but fears he’ll end up cheating. I’ve been dropping hints this could breed resentment, but haven’t pushed hard. How far should I go, and what’s the best angle?
Thanks for being a voice of reason in these times.
Med: I don’t recommend straight up telling him he’s marrying the wrong girl because it will cause permanent tension in the friendship. I would approach this by making it about him and asking him questions that he’ll will come to the right answers to. “Are you sure you’ll be okay with never having kids?” and “If I told you I was settling down with a girl I’ll inevitably cheat on, what would you tell me?”
It’s painful to watch, but you need to accept that he very well might make a bad decision. What matters is that you tried your best to help him without hurting your friendship.
Getting Over a Girl From Work
Subscriber: Hey Med-- question for your next AMA (apologies in advance for the length, but have been saving this for a while (and wanting to ask this question was a big motivation for signing up for your Substack, actually)):
I started a job a few years ago where I had instant chemistry with a girl roughly my age, who was the only decent looking chick in the whole office. Everyone else at the company was also significantly older than us and they’d constantly tease me about her, and would often note she was flirting with me. Maybe they slightly exaggerated at first, but as time went on, it became clear there was a palpable mutual tension when we’d talk, but I mentally brushed all of this off because I had a girlfriend and she had a boyfriend.
A year or so into the job, on a work trip, she barged into my room at 2 am after we had a night out to complain about the company culture (and other bullshit), basically crying on my shoulder. I didn’t make a move (I also don’t believe in cheating and was motivated by those principles), but after that, I began to see her slightly differently, especially as my relationship with my gf began gradually unravelling (for other reasons entirely). She ended up breaking up with her bf before I broke up with my gf and we generally had bad timing, but she’d still text me a lot, be flirty, etc.
When we were finally both single, I became self consciously interested in her and I made a move on her at the end of a long night, where I drank too much, and she rebuffed me in a pretty embarrassing way (I leaned in to kiss her and she jerked back aggressively). It was terribly awkward the next day but she was nice enough and we agreed to act like nothing happened, but she definitely made it clear she wasn’t interested in me. Two weeks after this rejection, she invited me to accompany her on a work trip across the country, just the two of us. I was confused but agreed to go. We ended up having an incredibly romantic dinner, holding hands briefly, going on a bar crawl, etc. I invited her to my room and she came up but left pretty quickly after (she also mentioned that night she was in a “situationship” with a new guy at the moment). After that, I basically concluded, I should mentally get over her. She’s now actually in a relationship (again, different guy) and acts noticeably different to me (she used to send me random stuff on instagram, walk into my office to chat every day, etc). Her change in behavior stemming from now entering a serious relationship, leads me to believe she was either self consciously leading me on for fun, or I just got really unlucky with timing.
This isn’t a very pointed question, but I guess I’m struggling to mentally compartmentalize this kind of behavior from a woman. Is there anything I could’ve done differently? If we find ourselves both single again, is there a different approach to employ when engaging her? Thanks in advance for your insight.
Med: I hate to say it but I think she may have seen you more as a friend given she rejected you when you tried to kiss her but still invited you to go on a work trip across the country. Either that or she’s the type of girl to juggle multiple guys at once without sleeping with them. Basically a cock tease.
In terms of what you could have done differently, it’s hard to say given I don’t know exactly what happened that night or the context of where you two were. If you drank too much, then that’s probably why. Next time just be mindful of how much you’re drinking so you don’t come off too sloppy. Don’t be too hard on yourself though. It happens to the best of us.
If she is single again, I wouldn’t approach her. I would see if she comes to you. If she does, then don’t make yourself too available. Build tension to make her want you more, then tell her you want to take her out on a date. I would be bold about it so she knows that you know what you want.
But I wouldn’t linger on that possibility for too long. I would try your best to move on. You’ll definitely think about her less if you go on more dates.
Should I Drop Out of College Because of AGI?
Subscriber: Med, I turn 20 years old this month. As the date draws closer, my soul grow heavier. I don’t fear age or death, only mediocrity and the permanent underclass. My only desires are saving America, learning, and adventure. Thus, I am grappling with a newfound decision to drop out in May to pursue a meaningful job opportunity. I am mission-oriented by nature, and the idea of 2 more years of classes taught by begrudged cat ladies makes me gag. I know the degree has value, but it feels like a waste of precious time right now, especially as AGI looms on the horizon.
Am I getting oneshotted by the online SF nerds? Do you have any advice to myself and other young men experiencing similar emotions? Do you forsee any hidden pitfalls that I’m currently failing to calculate into my decision?
Thanks and God Bless
Med: It’s normal to feel this way at your age, but you should spend your 20’s making and saving as much money as possible and building up your status in whichever field you decide to go in.
I strongly recommend not dropping out of school because you will have less options in the future. I’m sure your teachers are annoying as fuck, but try not to focus on that. Your classes are a means to an end.
Having your bachelors degree is still important. You’re halfway there. See it through and then reassess your options. Dropping out of school will only limit those options.
I wouldn’t worry about AGI. If neuroscientists don’t know what human consciousness is, then dorks in San Francisco don’t know what digital consciousness is. That doesn’t mean jobs won’t be replaced, but everything isn’t coming to an end.
Yes, it’s possible you’re being one-shotted by SF nerds.
Related Posts
Thank you, what a great read! One question - how and when does one submit those questions for future AMAs?.