Ask Me Anything - Session 4
Men who want career woman, eye contact at bars, late bloomers
In Session 4 we discuss:
Paid subscribers can ask me anything by joining my chat or DMing me directly.
Enjoy 🤍
Women on SSRI’s
Subscriber: I’ve seen SSRI’s come up on X a few times from others with our worldview, particularly in the context of women. You even mention it in a great post (link below). Could you expand on this? How do SSRI’s impact women in relation to men, politics, etc? Thank you 🙏🏼
Linked post:
Med: It’s well-established that SSRI’s have a negative effect on women’s libidos and their ability to orgasm. This will have a direct effect on how they view men and how they handle themselves in relationships.
As I’ve been yelling from the rooftops, when women aren’t orgasming through sex regularly, they often go insane. Given how correlated it is for liberal women to be on anti-depressants, underfucked women play a huge role in the deterioration of western civilization.
Is My Girlfriend Alphawidowed by an Ex?
Subscriber: Hi Med - my questions are about my girlfriend and my concern that deep down she still desires her ex. For context, the reason she broke up with her ex – which she initiated after 2 years together in a committed relationship – was that she felt he didn’t really love her for who she was and that she could’ve just been anyone to him (she told me this months ago when we discussed relationship history).
What triggered this recent concern for me was that, during a convo in bed about the role of timing in life, she said that she wouldn’t have been able to be with me in the past because she was so dead set on finding someone just like her ex. I think she meant this in a positive “the-timing-was-right-for-us” way, but to me it sparked this insecurity that she would deep down rather be with her ex or someone just like him, but eventually gave up and had to “settle” for something else. Also, when I followed up by asking what the difference was between me and her ex/those guys she tried dating after, all she had to say at first was that “I’m nice and I respect her”; I immediately balked at that and she followed up with saying it was impossible to articulate the difference.
Since then, I feel like I’m finding other evidence to support this concern. Like when she recommends activities to me that I know her ex did or movies that I know they enjoyed together - she never directly mentions him, but now I feel like she is trying to project her past relationship into the present and relive it, that I’m some sort of simulacrum.
So here are some specific questions about this:
Do you have any guidance to help navigate this feeling/situation?
If she was with someone who she thought was ‘the one’ but forced herself to leave because he didn’t value her in the way she wanted, do you think it’s possible for her to ever really let the feeling of that relationship go (it’s been 2 years since they broke up)? Is that something that can fix itself over time if she’s emotionally healthy/mature?
Am I letting my insecurities run wild here? Am I just giving what she said an ungenerous interpretation? Should I try to ignore my thoughts about this and focus only on her actual actions (which demonstrate love and care and interest, not bitterness)?
Would you think it’s totally normal and healthy to recommend things to your significant other that you enjoyed with your ex, or that your ex particularly enjoyed but which you think your current partner might like also?
Med: I understand your concern. A person’s first relationship(s), especially if intense, often creates an imprint on who they’re attracted to and how they see future relationships, for better or worse. That doesn’t necessarily mean that imprint is permanent, it can fade away over time, but it isn’t guaranteed.
It’s a good thing that she left what sounds like either an abusive relationship or a relationship that wasn’t good for her. It sounds like she’s self-aware and wants to make better choices. Some girls never make that move and keep picking the same guy forever. She wants to be on the right path, so that’s a good sign. But this imprint can cut very deep.
I wouldn’t think too much about the movies/activities, unless they’re extreme or odd. That comes with the territory of dating someone with a past. She might just like those activities/movies now, so I wouldn’t assume she is trying to turn you into him.
But given she said her ex wasn’t nice to her and didn’t respect her, I would try to understand the specifics. Was he just mean to her or was he physically abusive etc.? Those are two different things. I wouldn’t treat it like an investigation, but I would ask because you care and want to learn more about her. How you bring this up is critical. If it’s coming from a place of insecurity then I wouldn’t bring it up. I would make sure that’s in line first before approaching the topic.
No girl wants to date the “nice guy”, but you haven’t mentioned being worried about that so I assume you have that part under control. By nice guy, I mean a pushover.
If she was picking similar guys for a while, then I’m going to assume there’s an aggressive sex element involved. That’s something you can incorporate into your relationships without disrespecting her outside of the bedroom and may fill the void.
Relationship Where Both People Cheated on Each Other
Subscriber: I was in a long distance relationship with my gf. We had problems, and we both cheated on each other. Now we’re back together, and rebuilding the relationship has been kind of tough, it doesn’t feel the same, though the feelings are still there. On the other hand, there’s this younger girl who’s completely head over heels for me, and I cheated on my girlfriend with her. So here’s my question: should I try to rebuild things with my girlfriend knowing we both cheated, or start fresh with someone who would do anything for me, even if I’m not that into her right now?
Med: Either start fresh with the new girl or end things with your girlfriend. Either way you should end things with your girlfriend. It’s probably not ever going to be the same. Trust broken on such a level, especially when both people broke that trust, is extremely difficult to repair. Unless you want to have children with her and are willing to work on this for years, I would break up with her and move on.
Reading Eye Contact at Bars
Subscriber: Sorry if the question has already been asked, but how do you read eye contact and use it at a bar. I find it hard to figure out if a girl looking at me is interested or just glancing my way. And I don’t want to come off creepy staring at people.
Med: If a girl is into you, she isn’t going to stare at you. She’s either going to make sure you don’t see her looking at you or she’s going to make eye contact briefly and subtly then her eyes will graze elsewhere.
If she’s looking in your direction but not making eye contact with you, then she’s just glancing your way. Eye contact requires both people.
I also wouldn’t look like you’re on the hunt to see if girls are looking at you because that comes off as desperate and a bit creepy. Go out to enjoy yourself first and foremost. If a girl checks you out, great. If not, you had a good time anyway. Enjoying your own company and enjoying who you’re with while you’re out is crucial.
How is Confidence Built?
Subscriber: How do you think self confidence is built? I have always been very confident , how could someone else build it
I’ve always been told it comes from breaking psychological barriers, some are just born with it? Comes with age and experience
Med: This is a complicated question. How you were raised is a major factor. If your parents were neglectful, discouraging, or demeaning, then this is going to take a toll on your confidence and make it harder to develop as an adult.
Confidence has a lot to do with knowing who you are, being content with who you are, knowing what you are and aren’t capable of, and not really caring what people think of you. This comes with a lot of experience through trial-and-error by willing to be who you really are, which comes with having an appetite for risk and vulnerability. You might not know who you are, hence the trial-and-error.
Confidence also doesn’t just appear one day. It grows and builds over time. Learning through experience that you aren’t going to die if people don’t like you goes a long way.
Managing Men vs. Women at Work
Subscriber: Hi Med, I’m curious to hear more of your thoughts on the differences between managing men and women in a professional setting, I believe you’ve mentioned having experience with this before. I’m going to be starting in a leadership position soon and while I have related experience from stuff I did at university and taking charge of situations has always kind of come naturally to me, I would be interested to learn more about effective techniques and strategies in this area. Both in terms of overall leadership/managerial skills, but also in the specific differences when handling men vs women in this scenario. Thanks as always.
side question - any updates on the book? I look forward to it for myself, but also plan on buying copies for some more offline friends of mine who might find it beneficial as I also did with BAM.
Med: When it comes to managing men it’s important to straddle the line between being cool with them and being professional without being a hardass or letting them get away with things because they think they’re cool with you. At the end of the day you’re their boss, not their friend. It’s a job and if they don’t do their job well then you’re going to fire them, so their performance needs to be prioritized.
It’s easier to be direct with men in a professional setting than it is with women. If you’re too direct with women they become flustered and take it personally. With women you need to have a lighter touch and not be as firm in your demeanor. You have to be just as firm with them as you would a man in terms of what you say. It really does matter how you say it.
It’s important that your entire team finds you approachable regardless of their sex.
Leadership is a different story. Few are capable of it. That means your team knows you’re willing to disagree with your boss and will go to bat for them when push comes to shove, along with having a deep understanding and strong gut instincts for how the business runs and should run. A good appetite for failure through taking risks and therefore innovation is an important leadership quality.
No updates on the book yet, but I’ve been spending more time working on it during this current hiatus from X.
Right Person, Wrong Time
Subscriber: Med, how does one manage dealing with a potential right person wrong time dynamic? In a previous Medcast episode I had asked a question regarding dating a girl that I immediately hit it off with who had just got out of a bad long-term relationship and how to navigate things, etc after she had said it was the best first few dates of her life with me and was shocked with how great it was going. We ended up seeing each other for a few months where things were great but she had various moments of pulling back which ultimately led to her not allowing herself to give in to the relationship where she ultimately said she wasn’t ready for anything now. I have since dated/had sex with other girls but I still keep coming back to the insane chemistry and compatibility that we shared. I have voiced to her in the past where I stand and how I think of her, but looking for some advice regarding this moving forward.
Med: I would give it a few months of no contact then reach out to her again. If you press then it will only push her away. I would manage expectations though, people move on.
Dealing with Jealousy from Attention Hot Girls Get
Subscriber: Med, I remember from one of your stories a time when you dated a really hot Italian girl that you met on the subway. You ended up dating her for a while and spent some time where she was from. You mentioned that she got an enormous amount of attention from men and that she certainly wasnt shy about using it to her advantage. I remember you implying that you struggled to deal with the feelings of jealousy. Do you think you ever would have gotten used to it or was that perhaps a sign of incompatibility? Maybe the better question to ask is how to not to ruin something otherwise good with a girl because of jealousy and scars from the past?
Med: I believe this is a different girl. The girl I met on the subway was a one-night thing. But regardless I was younger then and way less capable of understanding feelings of jealousy. Someone once told me “If you want to date a girl who doesn’t get a lot of attention from men, date a 5.” I eventually learned that attention from men comes with the territory with dating hot girls. If all of the boxes are checked on your end then there isn’t anything to worry about.
East Asians in the US
Subscriber: Thoughts on East Asians in the US? What are the good/bad stereotypes, advantages and disadvantages -- socially?
How can one leverage their traits or others’ perceptions to thrive in an environment with other races?
Med: Complicated topic, depends on which East Asians. I’m a big fan of the Japanese and their culture. Chinese Americans are a mixed bag. If you’ve ever spent time in Chinatown NYC then you know they can be quite unkempt and often hawk loogies on the sidewalk. But many younger Chinese Americans are very assimilated and don’t act like their parents who are FOB.
Both Japanese and Chinese tend to mind their own business and not tell Americans how their culture should work, unlike South Asians. I’m not as familiar with Koreans. From what I hear they can be the most wild of all the Asians.
I would say assimilating is what’s most important. If you have good qualities because of who you are or because of your culture then I would embrace those. If you have qualities that don’t blend with American culture then I would try to tame those.
Asians have the least amount of negative stereotypes in comparison to some other races. I find they have a good reputation.
Boyfriend Wants a “Career Woman”
Subscriber: Hi Med, love your stuff and would love to hear your opinion on a romantic relationship Im in. A while back you encouraged people to use dating apps. I really didn’t want to go that route but decided to try it a few months ago and it wasn’t bad actually. I went out with a couple of attractive guys and ended up getting into a relationship with one of them. We’ve been dating for a couple months now.
I’m early 30s, he’s mid-30s. We’re long distance but spend a few days together every couple weeks or so (I WFH).
I’m definitely to the right politically and socially. MAGA-right, not old guard. He supports Trump but comes from a more liberal part of the country and definitely is to the left of me on a lot of issues. He’s a very masculine guy on a personal level tho. Big into weightlifting and working out generally, has a strong mindset of personal responsibility, very ambitious, very goal oriented, always doing things, thinking ahead, taking charge of situations, loves reading about history and geopolitics, etc. I like all of that about him very much. (He is pretty high anxiety tho)
We’ve had some ups and downs already (I do think it’s a bit soon for that but not ready to call it yet), but there’s one issue in particular that is becoming a big sticking point. I would like a more traditional relationship. Basically, if I have kids I want to stay at home and maybe only work part time while they’re young. That’s how it was in my family and it’s important to me to be able to do that without trying to also hold down a job.
My boyfriend tho (and this is why I explained about our political leanings and his personality generally), really wants a career woman. He wants to be a power couple and keeps using the term “partner” (which on some level I find kind of gay). Kind of surprised me.
We’re both professionals. He probably earns more than me but I do well too and his business is more cyclical. Like some years business will inevitably be bad. I work from home and have a regular salary. Though I really do want to change jobs and will not stay in this one much longer.
If it was up to me, I wouldn’t have brought all this stuff about marriage and kids up so soon (Type B personality TBH). But since he brought it up, I let him know how I felt. He doesn’t seem to want to budge on this issue and we’ve both brought it up a couple times now.
He says all the women in his family worked (his childhood was awful tho. His parents divorced but I’m not sure why). He also went broke early in his career and is quite frugal. He’s definitely worried about going broke but he seems to do well now. (Not sure how well). He also makes comments about stay-home-moms having their brains turn to mush from not working. Maybe that happens to some, but I think it’s less of problem than he makes it out to be. All that is to say, I’m not sure exactly why he’s stuck on this career woman thing. Probably a combination.
I never wanted to quit working entirely or forever but while the kids are young, that makes sense to me. He wants me to work for another 20 years if we stay together. Honestly, if he had said the opposite “I don’t want a career woman, I want you stay at home and never work again,” I would’ve told him that I might want to work a bit (I like my field. It very directly impacts things I care about and I can WFH). Also, just to be clear, im a reasonable person, if it just wasn’t feasible financially, I would be okay with working. You make sacrifices. But It’s bothering me that he’s pushing this whole career woman/partner thing so much.
One final note. I was in a relationship with one guy on and off all thru my 20s. It didn’t work bc he couldn’t get it together. This is the first time I’ve really dated since I was 20
Sorry for the long explanation but I thought you might want the context to answer my questions.
1. What do you think about women working during a marriage with kids?
2. What do you think about men who want their wives to work, even if they can afford for them to stay home? (I thought men were all against career women now. Maybe I’m on X too much)
3. A friend told me he may change his mind if we have kids and it’s common for guys to not realize how much work kids are until they have them. I don’t want to count on that but maybe she’s right?
4. Is this relationship DOA? Are we just wasting each other’s time?
5. Should I try talking to him more about it? Or just shelf it till we’re further into the relationship?
6. My mom (kinda old school) says he’s acting like a baby bc he’s afraid that he won’t be able to provide. Insecure essentially.
7. Marriage has changed completely over the last 100 years. People don’t agree about expectations anymore. What do you think is fair and reasonable to expect from a man and vice versa? Is traditional marriage over?
Med: I don’t think it’s good for a woman to work during the first few years of their child’s life. Those years are critical for their development, so being nurtured by their mother rather than a nanny is very important.
Men who want their wives to work are completely cucked by feminism. They think men and women are equals so they believe anything men can do, women can do, and should do. There’s not much you can do to help these people. They need to learn the nature of men and women on their own and some of them never do.
I will say I’ve worked with women who are quite competent and it often serves them well to be working. But few women are like that. It usually makes women miserable and takes a toll on their relationships. I think women are best suited to work on small projects rather than have a full-time job. 3-4 hours/day at the most.
I definitely wouldn’t wait until you have kids to find out. If this is a deal-breaker for you then I would make that clear beforehand, and if he isn’t on board then it’s better to end things now rather than wait for the relationship to either blow up or deteriorate after you have kids. Waiting will take a toll on the kids.
Sadly our inflated economy often calls for dual incomes, but what matters is the man understands it’s his responsibility to provide and at least puts in the effort to. Expecting a woman to bring in half the bread is extremely cucked. Most men are faggots now, at least 70%.
On Belief in Demons
Subscriber: Hello Med Gold, here is something I entered as a comment in an odd place. I guess that it got lost in the shuffle. Still interested in your response.I notice that the comments aren’t possible for the post on demons. I cannot hope that you will really find my witness credible, but they do exist, boy howdy.
Now, part of the problem is that when we ask, “Do demons exist?” we are already on our back foot. The better question would be, “Do spirits exist?” Emphatically, yes. Good and bad. Are there experiences of the good ones? More than you could ever count. Yes, I have experiences of them. As a matter of fact, the world is rife with spiritual agencies that operate by rules not cognized by a “modern” intellect, yet we can be suitably educated by the bible if we reach for one. Or by exorcists and other very spiritual persons, if we ask. I wish it weren’t so, because it makes life that much more complicated.
There is a growing number of people who claim to serve satan and his angels. And they have efficacy that they can point to. They will not triumph, but that is beside the point. They are doing things that make your hair curl. You would scarcely believe how they infiltrate religious systems. In some cultures which capitulate to the demons’ agencies, the spirits are part of the warp and woof of those futile social systems. Just ask missionaries to Africa and Asia. Did good angels inspire Magna Carta? Sure looks like it!
Now I am massively curious here. Your Substack is called Demonic Lust &c. You have written that the lust of veritable fucking is demonic. Do you believe that in a realist sense, or are you speaking mythopoetically? It makes a difference you know. Many of us want to have the full panoply of sexual pleasure. If it were demonic as such, well . . . there you would have a very difficult dilemma.
Since demons do exist, it is important, and maybe not even that dramatic, to find a way to deal with them. We will never be smarter than they are, but, in Christ, we will always be more powerful. They only recognize power, like their boss. And they can be dispelled. I am not at all sure that they are the same thing as animal lust.
Sorry (though I am not) “theological” issues are NOT adiaphora, they are ingredient to every aspect of life available to human beings, who have a logos nature. Theology is never an aside to real thought, truth, or rationality. While I maintain my paid subscription, I hope to imbibe the full extent of your thoughtfulness as expressed in your posts. I AM impressed. Thank you for helping make Substack worth our time.
Med: I’m very realistic which can be difficult as a Christian. At the bare minimum, I take John 1:1 very literally, as I noted in On Faith in Jesus' Resurrection. However, I don’t take every word of the Bible literally, and I think it’s harmful to do so. People must contend with reality as the evidence presents itself to us. The Bible doesn’t discuss general relativity or the existence of DNA. Should we not believe in either because they weren’t mentioned in the Bible?
The point of being a Christian is to be as much like Jesus as humanly possible, which is fully impossible. The metaphysical aspects, whether it’s heaven and hell or angels and demons, muddies his message. I think people focus on that aspect of Christianity more than who Jesus was.
I know what I’m supposed to do with belief in Jesus. It’s solely personal. But what am I supposed to do with demons? Pray? Organize an exorcism? There is no action to take. It’s just a word.
I find demons and even Satan to be useless concepts because there is zero evidence of their existence. I don’t believe they exist just because the Bible says they exist. I believe Jesus is God through a conscious leap of faith, which is required. I don’t find it necessary to take a leap of faith that demons or angels exist.
People can “feel” like demons exist, but that isn’t evidence. People feel a lot of things that aren’t true. So when people blame demons for human behavior, I find it to be a coping mechanism for not having a robust understanding of human nature, which requires a strong stomach and an inherent skepticism of people’s intentions until they earn your trust.
If an alien were to ask me what humans are like, I would show them people creating traffic as they slow down their cars to stare at the damage of a car accident. That’s the default state of human beings, in my opinion. So if your understanding of human nature is that people are selfish by default, and can only become good through relentless self-reflection and measurable change in their behavior, which sometimes involves divine intervention through prayer, sometimes not, then it’s easier to understand the dark side of people and what they’re capable of.
When I described lust as demonic, I meant it metaphorically. I don’t believe man is actually possessed by a demon as he consumes a woman he’s sexually attracted to, but it does feel like it.
When trying to assess human behavior, I start with human nature first, then psychological/emotional explanations. If a person was molested, raped, abandoned, or neglected as a child, then their likelihood of inflicting pain on others as an adult increases significantly. I see no room for demons in assessing human behavior.
On Late Bloomers
Subscriber: I didn’t come from a loving home. It took me a long time to like myself. I don’t know how to get over my lack of dating experience. It’s embarrassing knowing I’ve never been in love before and that I won’t be their first. I’ve glowed up but it’s hard to move on from formative experiences. I still feel like I’ll never be anyone’s first choice. And it’s silly bc superficially I’m close to checking every box. 6 foot, 6 figure salary (not like that means much anymore) etc. For me it’s not a confidence issue. Planning dates, getting good at sex, picking the right girl, everything people figure out at 16 I’m having to learn at 26 and I don’t have anyone to help.
Med: I would disagree that it isn’t a confidence issue. I say that because you said “I still feel like I’ll never be anyone’s first choice.”
Why wouldn’t you be? That’s something you’re telling yourself.
Also, it’s more normal to learn these things in your 20’s. I guarantee you there isn’t a 16 year old in the world who has these things figured out. They might have had sex, but they’re still clueless. There’s people in their 50’s with a ton of experience who don’t have these things figured out. You’re being too hard on yourself.
Random
Subscriber: Have you considered having Rivelino on your podcast? A while ago you mentioned you may have FischerKing64 on. I like him and I’d look forward to that episode if you do decide to have him on. I also really liked your episode with UsingLyft and think he’s a great guest to have back.
Med: Medcast is over for now. I agree both would be fun guests to have on.
Subscriber: When can we preorder your book?
Med: My paid subscribers will be first to know :)
Related Posts
Med I find myself attracted to toxic people and I find that toxic people are attracted to me. Moreover, I look back on a number of women I’ve been with who I now think could have been good partners, but at the time, I wasn’t attracted to them - not because they weren’t hot, but just because I was bored by their normalcy. What’s your assessment? Can toxic or broken women improve or have workable relationships.
Hey Med, thanks for your content. Love to read everything. Coincidentally this topic is similar to the comment above. Toxic relationships. Even though I’m not qualified enough for this to call it „toxic“ I’m using this word anyways because it describes the situation quite well.
I cutoff my ex girlfriend because it was very toxic. Lots of drama, fighting and she was not always reliable. Also quite sneaky. Says one thing but does another thing.
At the same time, we had such an intense chemistry it’s unbelievable. Sometimes 6 times a day sex even after three years of dating. The sex was the best I had in my whole life and she was super submissive and „crazy about me“. I felt like an addict who wanted his shot from her every now and then. So I would say that I was crazy about her as well. But I had always in my mind that she’s not good enough long term and it’s not healthy because of her behavior.
She’s on a project abroad now and I decided to end the relationship as one last effort to get away from this toxic cycle because I know that I’m addicted but know that it’s not healthy.
I’m regretting a bit that I let her go because even though it was lots of drama, that’s exactly what made it exciting. Deep down I’m not sure if we would make a healthy family. But we were/are crazy about each other.
While she’s gone, I’m dating a new girl now which comes from the same background as I. We’re hitting it off well but I’m not sure if it will ever reach the dopamine highs with my ex. Also the new girl seems more family oriented and more „behaved“. Info like that but I’m not crazy about her (yet). I’m a bit scared that I will get bored after some time.
I’m still in contact with my ex and we’re talking from time to time but haven’t seen each other for the last three months and won’t probably for the next three months because she’s abroad at the moment before she comes back to Europe.
Any advice on how to navigate this? Should I cutoff my ex completely and give the new girl a fair chance? I want to keep my options with my ex girlfriend open in case it doesn’t work out with the new girl. Is that very selfish? I’m mid thirties and want to start a family soon and maybe we can work on the drama topics and trust each other 100%.
Would appreciate your help and thoughts. Thanks in advance!