Ask Me Anything - Session 3
Husband not lasting long, signs you've found "the one", red lipstick
In Session 3 we discuss:
Paid subscribers can ask me anything by joining my chat or DMing me directly.
Enjoy 🤍
Interracial Relationships
Subscriber: What’s your view on interracial relationships? I’m white, but I tend to not be attracted to white women. I see the benefit of dating within the same racial background, but the chemistry hasn’t been great. The way white women smell doesn’t agree with me. Having a negative preference for my own race doesn’t feel right, though.
Med: I believe people with parents of very distant races live life in a state of existential confusion. If your father were Swiss and your mother Spanish, that isn’t very distant genetically. You’re ethnically European. But if your mother were German and your father Somalian, the genetic distance is greater than that of a wolf and a dog. This is why it doesn’t feel right.
A significant amount of your personality is directly due to your ethnicity, so their children will have a difficult time having a complete understanding of themselves because the parts competing against each other are playing by different rules. I would take this into consideration. Cultural barriers in relationships are very real, and shouldn’t be underestimated either.
Husband Not Lasting Long
Subscriber: Dear Med, I (25, F) am in a very happy marriage with my husband. Everything is perfect, but one thing: in my opinion, he doesn’t last long enough in bed. He does take the time for me and he’s able to make me cum only by penetrating and almost every time we have sex, which is amazing! But the sex itself - and I mean actual penetration - only lasts for like five minutes… We’ve talked about it before and he’s says he finds me super sexy and loves fucking me and he can’t stop himself. I gave him the advice to experiment with breathing and solving match problems and what-not, which does seem to help a bit, but not enough. We also have sex regularly, and I suck him off randomly to take the pressure off of him. Still, it doesn’t seem to work.
Now, I don’t want to bring it up again because I feel bad for him, but I can’t fight the deep desire within me to be fucked for a longer time by him. Again, I’m grateful that he’s able to make me cum almost every single time, that’s really special, but I just want him to last a bit longer… How can we fix this?
Med: You have the right attitude about this and it’s good to hear that he’s at least making you cum.
What’s he’s saying is true — he does find you super sexy and he “can’t stop himself”, in that exact moment. Men reach a “point of no return” where Jesus himself could command him to not cum, and he’s going to cum anyway. What he needs to learn is how to get comfortable living in the moments that build up to that moment, which is usually done through edging. But there are other ways.
I’m not going to say you should tell your husband to start jerking off and be more mindful while he’s doing it. But you can turn this into a game. Before you blow him next, tell him to tell you when he’s about to cum (if he doesn’t do that already). Then stop. No, I’m not saying you should blueball him. But do something else before you go back to it. Kiss around his leg or his balls or whatever. Make him wait a minute or two. This will extend the amount of time you can blow him. Repeat that a few times. This is the “area” he needs to be comfortable in.
Graphs that compare the female orgasm to the male orgasm show women building up to it, and men going from 0-100 immediately. This is physically true, but not mentally. While men don’t have a buildup in the same way women do, men can know when they’re on their way up and stop themselves, or at least pace themselves.
If he’s fucking you fast from the beginning, or is going fast the whole time, this is likely a big reason why. If you notice him going too fast too early, tell him to slow down. Not in a scolding way of course, but to shift to a more sensual pace. Tell him you want to feel every second. Ideally, he will be more comfortable in this area, and will be able to switch from slow to fast. This will make the sex more dynamic and will help him build up to lasting longer.
Caring Too Much
Subscriber: I’m pretty laid back and goofy when I’m comfortable and a bit buzzed, but I get so uptight and hopeful when I’m sober that I feel like I’m playing not to lose. Like I drunkenly flirted with this girl online and then set up a date with her, and over the next day I think I was so rigid and trying to be “mysterious” or whatever that I bored her or turned her off and she ghosted me.
I’m passionate and trying to develop my confidence, but shit like this kills me man. How do I stop caring without becoming Reddit and reading “the subtle art of not giving a fuck” or some garbage inauthentic manosphere nonsense?
Med: I don’t think this is the right approach. Caring vs. Not Caring isn’t the way to look at it. I think what we’re talking about is Being Desperate vs. Being Open.
If you’re desperate, you’re trying to appear a certain way and eager for a particular outcome. If you’re open, you’re willing to experience whatever might come next, for better or for worse, and you know that you’ll still be alive regardless of the outcome.
If you meet a girl that you care about, that’s good. It’s good to care. If you meet a girl you don’t care about, that’s okay too. It’s okay to not care about people. Being selective of who you care about, and knowing why you care about them, matters more.
Genuinely getting to know people individually without putting them into a box, in this case, “women”, is the way out of this. This will come with more experience as well. The more girls you talk to, the more you’ll realize that not every girl you talk to is a make or break situation.
Autistic Friend Who Scares The Hoes
Subscriber: Hi Med. Long post but you know how it is sometimes. I have a friend who’s autistic and awkward in social situations, but is overall a good and reliable guy. He leans fairly to the right politically as well, which is good. However, he frequently causes problems with the girls in our social circle (which has a fairly even gender split), mostly by way of the previously-mentioned awkwardness which gives them the infamous “ick” and makes them uncomfortable, i.e. he will say strange things or make raunchy jokes without the charisma or delivery to back it up which is a recipe for disaster. He is also downright hostile to women sometimes for seemingly no reason, not sure if it’s some kind of jealousy or “incel rage”, but it is a consistent problem.
He also strongly dislikes my brother and his girlfriend, maybe out of jealousy because I know he liked the girl in the past or because he can’t get laid because of his aforementioned awkwardness.
All this to say I believe that he is a genuinely good guy at heart, and he has a lot of potential, but how can me and my brother help him get over these problems or support him in any way we can so that he can be a more functional member of our friend group / society in general without creating drama? Have thought maybe I should just take a step back and let him figure out his own problems, but apparently he used to be a lot worse before me and my brother stepped in and I think we have the opportunity to be a real, good positive influence on him, just not sure how exactly to approach it. Would love to hear your thoughts on all this, sorry for long post. Thanks.
Med: I would be honest and set boundaries. “Look man, you can’t say shit like that to girls while we’re out. It makes them uncomfortable.” You don’t need to explain what he did wrong, that isn’t your responsibility. See how he responds. If he continues to do it, I’d say “If you keep doing that while we’re out, we’re going to have to go out without you. It’s nothing personal.” See how he responds.
If a friend were mean to a sibling, I would tell them that isn’t acceptable. You have to put your brother first, and cutting a friend off for being mean to a sibling is completely justified, regardless of his condition. His autism isn’t your problem.
I don’t know if he’s aware of what he’s doing, but I would start there.
My Disagreeableness
Subscriber: Did you develop your disagreeableness over time or were you always wired that way?
Med: I was always like this. Parents often tell their disagreeable children they should become lawyers. I was also told this by my teachers, often during detention.
Medcast
Subscriber: Just subbed, were the old Medcast episodes pulled?
Med: Yes, for security reasons. I may bring it back at some point.
Career Options
Subscriber: Hey Med, How do I know what to strive for in pursuit of chasing the “thing” (job, hobbies, interests etc) that ignite the fire within me to want to make an impact on the world? I feel like I’ve had glimpses of this internal passion which I’ve previously channelled into my interests / jobs at the time.
Yet, right now I’m unsure of the direction, and outlets, I should be working towards. Although Im only 23, I feel like I know myself well enough to follow my intuition / internal compass towards what I would like to achieve, but when I carry out / complete / achieve said actions, or after finding out more information, they are merely but a stepping stone.
The unknown still remains, and I’m not sure how I can use my talents / god given personality towards impacting the world / helping people.
Med: Unless you’ve always known what you wanted to do from a young age (which is rare), you will learn what you’re passionate about, and what you aren’t, by doing. I recommend pursuing as many of your genuine interests as possible, even if it’s just for a few hours a week, to get a better understanding of them. I would focus less on having an impact on the world and more about doing what you genuinely enjoy. While pursuing, ask yourself if you would enjoy doing that 8-10 hours/day. Life is long and you can adapt to these things over time. Your interests may change.
Signs You’ve Found “The One”
Subscriber: Hey Med, you recommended to me to block my ex and suffer for 3 months. Thanks for that advice. It’s super tough but I guess it’s the correct way to find my dream girl.
I’m working very hard on myself and do a lot of sports to distract myself but I still miss her almost every day. Thinking that maybe she was “the one”. After 3.5 years on-off situationship my mind probably know that she’s not the one. But after having strong withdrawal signs, I’m questioning everything. That’s probably normal though.
Could you please elaborate on when we as men know that a specific girl is “the one”? Any strong signs or something to look for especially?
Thanks a lot and love that you’re posting more nowadays! ❤️
Med: Why did it end? Sorry if I’m not remembering this specific question.
Still missing her after a few months is normal. Wondering if you lost The One is one of the withdrawal symptoms. That will lessen over time.
The One usually isn’t a situationship. It may start as one but it will grow into a real relationship. A relationship with The One doesn’t end because the relationship is very easy, and you like being around each other too much.
Your likelihood of meeting The One while you’re looking for The One are lower than if you’re not looking for them at all. There’s something about filtering out people for traits you aren’t aware of yet that keeps The One blocked out. Being okay with being alone is critical, in my experience.
You also won’t need to question whether or not they’re The One. You’ll just know. This comes with experience though. As I wrote about in Your Oneitis Is Stinking Up The Room, people often mistake their first loves for The One merely due to the intensity of those new emotions.
I know this is vague advice, but matters like this aren’t supposed to be clear, because they’re very unique and specific to each person.
Long Distance Relationships in the Military
Subscriber: Hey Med, I have a good girlfriend who pretty much does everything I can ask. We are in long distance because I’m in the military. She flies out to visit and when we are together she cleans, we have a lot of sex, and we generally have a good time. However the lack of sex when we are not together is difficult and even when we are together, I have a strong drive to want to fuck other women right after also fucking her. I brought up threesome which I though might solve the issue and also the idea of me having side hoes. Essentially I guess I want an unfair open relationship where it is only open for me, I don’t want to have to lie and cheat to meet this desire of mine but also maintain the relationship. Not sure how I could go about doing this. currently we are on a break, and will reevaluate in a couple months.
Med: That’s a tall order. Very few women are going to be okay with such an arrangement. Unless you think she’s perfect for you, and you’re okay with jerking off a lot to tame the impulse to not cheat, I would end it and stay single unless you meet a woman you’re willing to do that for. Long distance, especially in a high testosterone environment like the military, is going to be hard to maintain.
Book Recommendations
Subscriber: Hi, I’ve found your writing to be extremely valuable. Your insights are realistic, track with my experiences, and don’t have any of the resentment I’ve noticed in the “manosphere” (TRP and so on), which I’ve found useful in the past. Do you have any book recommendations (fiction and non-fiction) that you’ve found relevant to the topic of women, dating and relationships?
Med: The only book I’ve read on this that I’ve found worthwhile is The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. I haven’t done much reading on this topic to be honest. I read it 15+ years ago and it had a pretty profound impact on me at the time.
Arguing with Women
Subscriber: In your next AMA I’m also curious how you would recommend men deal with arguments with women. It’s an area I personally have difficulty in. My personal approach is to communicate, resolve issues, and correct misunderstandings, rather than sweep them under the rug, as they might lead to lingering resentments. However, taking this approach can make things worse, especially if she doesn’t engage. The red pill approach is to avoid arguments, and to simply acknowledge and move on, to ensure you don’t enter her frame. How would you approach disagreements, and the characteristically female tendency to make them personal?
Med: I don’t find arguing with anyone useful unless your values are 80-100% aligned and have similar communication styles. Arguing with women is a win-lose situation where the man always loses, even if he’s right. I try to approach disagreements delicately, with an intention to care about them and the relationship, fully hear them out, then tell them my thoughts on it one time. They can disagree if they want, but what’s most important is that you said your piece and don’t let it escalate from there. They can kick and scream all they want. It’s not about being right, it’s about saying what you need to say, not repeating yourself, and knowing when to pick your battles.
Leading Women On
Subscriber: Hi Med, i’m a 22 year old zoomer and ur recent post about landsharks tweet regarding not leading people on has made me reflect on my current dating situation and I want blunt advice on how to handle it. I’ve been seeing this girl (19) I’ve met off hinge for almost two months and I don’t see her as marriage/long term material. She seems much more into me than i’m into her and the only reason i’ve kept her around is to practice getting better in the bedroom and being able to know what to do in any future relationships with more attractive woman. I’ve felt guilt about it before but swept it aside till today and i’m not sure how to go upon dealing with it. Should I just break it off immediately or let it go on for a couple months max till i feel more confident in myself with girls? I feel like you’re the only person online that would have a good perspective on this and any advice would be appreciated.
Med: Having sex with a girl to get better at sex should be done with a girl who also only wants to have sex, which should be agreed upon. Hard to find, but they exist. Stringing a woman along is wasting her time, which is more precious biologically than men’s time. I would end it today.
Career Options II
Subscriber: I’m trying to prioritize being a Christian without being completely castrated. In figuring all of this out (along with some personal circumstances) I killed both my career and my relationship with my girlfriend five years, we broke up in December. I’m finally reaching out to girls again and trying to make my way into the dating scene, as well as figure out what I want to actually do with myself.
So part of my dilemma moving forward is I’m pretty certain on who I am and what I want for my life, but I’m not sure what I want to do. I’ve entertained so many different ideas for jobs, careers, and I keep spinning myself in circles.
I’m 27, currently doing a 2 year IT program and paying out of pocket (it’s cheap thankfully) just to explore the field and get my GPA up in the event I want to go to grad school, but even then, I feel like I’d just be putting myself back into a low-test cubicle environment that will kill the vitality I’m trying to cultivate in my personal life.
Seeing the hapless dickless lifeless men at my first engineering job just fall in line during the peak of the COVID hysteria disgusted me and led me to speak up to management (who promptly threw me out on my ass), and I haven’t been able to find another job like that since.
I slogged in retail for three years and I’m just trying anything at this point to get a good job so I can provide for the family I’m going to build. I found a job as a spa service tech that almost pays what I made at that engineering job, but I know that industry and it can be a financial dead end.
I like tech, I like computers, but I also really enjoy being outside and working with my hands. I’ve also got an artist’s soul and enjoy creative design, modeling, sculpting. But then there’s another part of me that just wants to move into a single room cabin on a grape farm in Italy and make wine for a living (I’m American and there’s just no way it would happen). Also, I’m a creature of spontaneity and I change my mind frequently lol.
How the fuck do I figure out what to commit to which will surround me with thinking men who still have their balls, and then more importantly, how the fuck do develop the volition to stay committed to it?
Med: I wouldn’t prioritize being around men who are similar to you. You can’t have both (liking tech and working with your hands), so you’ll have to pursue one as a career while pursuing the other as a hobby. You could juggle a few things at once, but that’s less stable and less likely to make you highly successful at one of them. I would focus on doing what you actually enjoy doing and become the best at it. All of those other things are secondary.
Women Wearing Red Lipstick
Subscriber: Hi, could you please elaborate some more on what it is according to you that makes a woman able or unable to pull off a red lipstick. The thing about jiggly arms is pretty clear and easily understandable, but the lipstick leaves a female reader curious.
Med: Red lipstick comes off as trying too hard to me. It’s all you see. It stands out too much. And it’s pretty rare that a woman looks better with red lipstick than without. If you’re attractive, you shouldn’t have to distract from the rest of your face.
Generally the women who can pull this off tend to be on the paler side. I also find it only appropriate in certain environments. If you’re going to a fancy event where there’s a dress code, and you’re wearing an elegant dress — then it fits. If you’re just on a regular date or having a regular night out, it doesn’t make much sense. It’s overkill.
Getting Out of Your Head
Subscriber: Hey Med, I’m wondering if you have any actionable advice on how to get out of your own head and be able to just project outward instead of inward? I realize a lot of it is probably not being comfortable with yourself but even when I take action I walk away not feeling satisfied. For example, I’m trying to be looser and a little more silly so I signed up for an improv class but I can’t let myself go while I’m there and be in the moment. Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on it but not letting myself go and allowing myself to be I n the moment is defining way too much of my life and social interactions and I need a new perspective. Thanks in advance!
Med: I find this to be a matter of vulnerability and fear of rejection. A lot of it comes down to not caring what people think about you and being willing to accept some people may not like you, or that you’re not everyone’s cup of tea. That’s okay. I find it harder to trust people that everybody likes. That usually means they’re sacrificing their true feelings in some way, which I don’t respect.
Being able to sort out what you actually want to say vs. what you think people want you to say is important. I find confidence comes from taking that risk on a regular basis, being willing to look like an idiot sometimes, feeling like an idiot sometimes, then realizing you don’t die after feeling like an idiot sometimes. This takes practice and will grow over time.
Related Posts
Way of superior man is a great book. I should reread.
Red lipstick gives "woman" whereas a lot of the time the overall vibe of the wearer is "I'm just a girl". Clashing vibes. That one pic of Gio Scotti with red lipstick comes to mind. Gio Scotti is young enough to be gen alpha depending on your metrics.
Case in point from this post: "certain environments" "paler side" "ELEGANT" "dress code"
If you're a college-age female reader you might get better results through cute-maxxing or imjustagirl-maxxing unless you're someone with the right vibe already to pull it off