The Biggest Mistakes Made on Dating Apps
Principles for using male-brained technology
How one feels about dating apps is entirely dependent on their experience with them. My opinion is unpopular because it isn’t bitter. I think dating apps are good. People should use them more. They certainly aren’t “destroying society.” Most people just aren’t good at them. Dating apps are how people meet now whether you like this fact or not, so it’s better to be good at them. Very few people are shit out of luck on dating apps.
Dating apps are designed around the male brain. Men select for physical attractiveness first and foremost. Girls select for multiple traits and physical attractiveness is not #1. Men worry far too much about their appearance, as I covered in Stop Looksmaxxing.
It’s impossible for girls to accurately select for character, charisma, and status on dating apps. They’re mostly trying to feel out if the man is broke, creepy, or boring with each swipe. This guess work is done based on the vibe men put out online. “Account physiognomy” is real. Physical attractiveness is a factor, but you need to be irregularly unattractive to scare someone away at first glance. Men are trying to avoid being swiped left and being left on read.
Attractive girls don’t need tips for finding dates on apps. They can go on as many dates as they have time for, never pay for drinks again, and have sex multiple times a day if they really wanted to. The overwhelming majority of girls are not like that, despite what you’re told on cucktainment shows like the Whatever podcast. Most girls are looking for a husband and will have sex on the first date if the chemistry is there. Women have a different problem — they’re trying to avoid being ghosted and going on dates with douchebags.
There are no guarantees in dating and relationships. This is not a “How To” guide. There isn’t a secret formula, and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. You’re walking into the unknown and rolling the dice. Chemistry is outside of our control, but there’s principals to apply, and mistakes to avoid, that will increase the likelihood of success for both sexes on dating apps. Allow me to expand.
Someone asked me recently what I think about dating apps in general. I gave a very quick overview:
There’s much more to ground to cover.
Expectations
How you think about dating apps is important. If you’re using something that you believe is “the fall of the west”, you’re probably not going to do well on them. This applies to everything. Having too high or too low of expectations is setting yourself up for disappointment.
It’s important to not be naive. If a man opens a dating app thinking he’s going to get laid in the next 30 minutes, or a girl hears wedding bells with every guy she responds to, this reveals a lack of understanding of how people work.
Men, don’t swipe right on every girl. The algorithm picks up on this. Only swipe right if it’s a girl who really drives you crazy. Men have a low standards problem, not the other way around.
Women, don’t swipe left on every man. Don’t set the height range to 6’3+. You’re shooting yourself in the foot and in all likelihood, overestimating how hot you are. Women have an unrealistically high standards problem, not the other way around.
You must understand that you’re taking a risk. You might get catfished. You might think someone is one way before you meet them and they’re another way in person. You might have a bad date. You might fall in love with someone and it might not work out. It happens. The alternative is loneliness.
Bad Dates
No one is forcing you to sit through a bad date. If you’re a man, be polite and have a drink with her, then say you’re not feeling well, pay the bill then order an Uber. Girls should do the same, unless they’re worried about their physical safety. Then they should say they’re going to the bathroom and just leave. You don’t owe your time to strangers.
Never waste your time and don’t waste anyone else's time. Doing something “to be nice” is a loser quality. It’s okay to end a bad date when you realize it’s not going anywhere.
Pictures
Use recent pictures. If you were in better shape in the past then you are now, then don’t use the apps until you get in better shape. If you use old pictures, you’re catfishing. You’re lying and wasting someone else’s time. Not a good start.
Men
Do not post selfies. Selfies are for women and they give women the ick. Find pictures of yourself where you’re doing things, ideally with friends. If all of the pictures of you are alone, they’re going to wonder if you have any friends. If your friends are more attractive to you, crop them out. Don’t cuck yourself in your own advertisement.
Women
Girls are masters of taking flattering pictures of themselves. Every girl knows her best angle and how to accentuate her body without coming across as a slut. They don’t need much advice in this area.
The one thing I’ll say is: it’s a red flag to me if every single picture is at the same exact angle, or if her smile is in every pic is exactly the same. I become hesitant as it’s a sign she might be less attractive in person. Mix it up, you’re just being insecure and hard on yourself. Chances are nobody else can tell but you.
Bio
Hinge is the most popular dating app that yields the most long-term relationships because of the question-asking feature. They force the user to reveal as much about their character as possible without just relying on a bio like Tinder.
If a girl is attractive then men aren’t as interested in her bio.
If a man is attractive then she is going to read his bio. If his bio is bad, she’s going to swipe left.
Men
Do not spill your guts in your bio. Don’t appear soft or emotional. Don’t mirror women. Don’t say things women say. Keep it brief. Remain mysterious without saying nothing. The less “seriousness” in your bio, the better.
Be funny. Be vulgar. Stand out. Most guys are boring. Most guys are too scared to sexually objectify women. Hot girls have (literally) thousands of men to choose from. I know this because hot girls have showed me their DMs on dating apps. It’s mostly hundreds of men saying “Hey” or using gay pickup lines. I will repeat myself. Be funny. Be vulgar. Stand out.
Women
Don’t be a leftist. If your bio implies you’re a leftist, men who aren’t faggots are going to swipe left. If you’re a leftist, stop being one. You’re setting yourself up for a life of resentment, misery, and romantic failure.
Don’t hate men. If your bio implies you hate men, men who aren’t cucks are going to swipe left.
Don’t brag about your education or accomplishments. It comes across as unpleasant girlboss.
Be cute, whimsical, and girly. Be silly. Carefree. You don’t have to think about what your bio says that much.
Getting What You Want
If you’re only looking for sex, say that without saying it. I don’t like hurting people if I don’t have to, so after a while I realized I need to go out of my way to avoid ghosting someone. If a girl was hot but seemed boring through text, and I knew I’d just have sex with her once and never talk to her again, I wouldn’t set up a date. If I was on the date and the girl made me want to blow my brains out but I still wanted to fuck her, I wouldn’t. This isn’t easy but it’s necessary to help you sleep at night and not inflict unnecessary pain.
Men, if you’re looking for a relationship, don’t say that too early. It makes you look desperate. Most women are looking for the same. Even if a girl is just sleeping around, she will settle down with a guy if he’s fun and interesting enough.
Girls, don’t lie to yourselves. I would tell girls “I just got out of a relationship so I’m not really looking for anything serious right now” before setting up a first date. Most would say they aren’t either then end up getting feelings. Some would say they are looking for something serious, so we’d agree not to meet. Very few would say they’re just looking to have fun and meant it.
Girls, be honest with yourself and make your intentions clear. Most girls are looking for a fun first date, are willing to have sex if it goes well, but ultimately want a relationship. That’s normal. But if you’re strongly looking for one or the other, make that clear up front. If the guy seems like he just wants to fuck, he probably does.
Pre-Date Banter
This is where people tend to fail the most, especially men. There’s few things a girl can say to make a guy uninterested in going on a first date if he already thinks you’re hot.
Men
This isn’t going to be helpful advice, but you’re gonna need to try and fail. A lot. Try different things to open with, whether it’s complimenting her about how she looks, to bringing up something she mentioned in her bio. Just don’t be boring. Don’t say “Hey.” Don’t use one-liners.
This is a matter of trial-and-error. Stick to what works, and most importantly — doing what feels the most “you.” And if being smooth isn’t “you”, you’re coping. You’re going to have to learn to be smooth. Be prepared to be left on read. Don’t take it personally. Learn and keep at it.
The pre-date stage shouldn’t last too long. The goal should be to joke around, get to know them a bit, make them feel comfortable, then pull the trigger and ask to get drinks. Girls get bored easily. Don’t wait too long.
And yes — I said drinks. Not dinner, not a coffee date. Drinks. I will not elaborate further on this.
Women
Don’t be a bitch. That means, don’t intentionally come off disinterested, jaded, or one-wordy. No girl is hot enough to warrant being a bitch to complete strangers. If you’re uninterested, ignore. If you’re interested, get to know them. Be engaged.
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself in this stage. Be open, be silly. It’s on him to entertain you and make the first move. If he seems boring, then he probably is. Move on.
The First Date
This goes without saying, but a first date should be fun, and that falls on both people on the date. If you’re in a shitty mood that day, reschedule. If you’re jaded about dating apps, take a month off and just chill. The point is to not care so much about the outcome. Go in there with no expectations, be in a good mood, have a few drinks, and try to actually get the know the other person. Don’t bitch about work, don’t be negative, don’t sperg out. Be fun to be around. Be a positive presence. This is the most you can do to give it your best shot and set up the conditions for chemistry to emerge.