This was an amazing article and every single point is corroborated by my personal experience. You ought to marry someone who feels like your own soul and intellect mirrored in the opposite sex. You don’t have to explain the deepest parts of your temperament and values to each other. They just get it. Life gives you enough challenges, your husband/wife shouldn’t be one of them.
If there’s contempt, cruelty, abuse, constant chaos, or you’re tearing each other down, that’s obviously not healthy.
But I never miss my ex who I never fought with. As much as I really liked him, I couldn’t respect someone I saw no fire in. Always playing it safe. Always the nice guy.
My husband and I probably fight once a month, don’t take it too seriously, and are always better after. Rarely fight about the same thing twice. I think it was 2022 we fought a lot more with multiple stresses stacking and neither of us with the coping skills at the time.
In the beginning of our relationship, I was the financially more savvy person. That’s completely turned around and we’ve merged our philosophies to the betterment of both of us. If I judged off that ‘red flag’ we wouldn’t have made it. I am, however, all for someone having some non-negotiables. But everyone has red flags.
Not that I disagree with every point you made (I don’t), but I think “never fighting” gets romanticised. Life and people have many seasons and an argument certainly shouldn’t end everything.
Good post. Men are often given terrible dating advice. One of the main ones is don’t talk about past relationships, religion, politics, finances etc. basically the primary things that will tell you how compatible you are with this person. So they end up showing up to dates like they’re interviewing for a job and in many ways, they are.
They don’t want to scary away “pumpkin”, so they wear a professional mask. Before they know it, three years have rolled by and they’re deeply unhappy. They express the same dissatisfaction and frustration of those trapped in toxic and deadened jobs. The same copes as well “any job is better than no job mate”.
Men should be having these difficult conversations early in the dating phase. There are ways of doing this without being a sperg, as you highlighted in your finance example. It’s hard and takes practice, but becomes easier overtime. In fact, it’s liberating to show up to job interviews knowing they’re interviewing you, but you’re also interviewing them.
This kind of misses the point. Liking someone comes before those questions. The questions should be answered early, yes, but not till after you recognize that you like the person
We all change over time. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. Changes, both intentional and “out of left field,” have a growth cycle. We are not “mind readers” even (or maybe especially) of those we are closest to. There are “fights” that are equally “disagreements” and “arguments” that really need expression and exposure to ripen to resolution. Stop “keeping score”; it serves no purpose. Just saying…
Med is right about this. I’ve been happily married over 20 years, and I’ve never had a genuine fight with my wife. At worst , just very occasional expressions of annoyance or irritability, usually on my part.
It’s mostly about finding the right woman. Before meeting my wife, I would have ridiculous shouting match type fights with girlfriends. But since finding a virtuous wife whom I cherish, there is never even the urge to fight.
This was an amazing article and every single point is corroborated by my personal experience. You ought to marry someone who feels like your own soul and intellect mirrored in the opposite sex. You don’t have to explain the deepest parts of your temperament and values to each other. They just get it. Life gives you enough challenges, your husband/wife shouldn’t be one of them.
Really well written, and very true
Quintessentially, it comes down to liking the person versus liking the idea of the person
And the perfect note to go with it: https://substack.com/@medgold/note/c-264669388?r=3rt1m9
So good, they sometimes run and hide from you :(
So good, they sometimes run and hide from you :(
If there’s contempt, cruelty, abuse, constant chaos, or you’re tearing each other down, that’s obviously not healthy.
But I never miss my ex who I never fought with. As much as I really liked him, I couldn’t respect someone I saw no fire in. Always playing it safe. Always the nice guy.
My husband and I probably fight once a month, don’t take it too seriously, and are always better after. Rarely fight about the same thing twice. I think it was 2022 we fought a lot more with multiple stresses stacking and neither of us with the coping skills at the time.
In the beginning of our relationship, I was the financially more savvy person. That’s completely turned around and we’ve merged our philosophies to the betterment of both of us. If I judged off that ‘red flag’ we wouldn’t have made it. I am, however, all for someone having some non-negotiables. But everyone has red flags.
Not that I disagree with every point you made (I don’t), but I think “never fighting” gets romanticised. Life and people have many seasons and an argument certainly shouldn’t end everything.
Good post. Men are often given terrible dating advice. One of the main ones is don’t talk about past relationships, religion, politics, finances etc. basically the primary things that will tell you how compatible you are with this person. So they end up showing up to dates like they’re interviewing for a job and in many ways, they are.
They don’t want to scary away “pumpkin”, so they wear a professional mask. Before they know it, three years have rolled by and they’re deeply unhappy. They express the same dissatisfaction and frustration of those trapped in toxic and deadened jobs. The same copes as well “any job is better than no job mate”.
Men should be having these difficult conversations early in the dating phase. There are ways of doing this without being a sperg, as you highlighted in your finance example. It’s hard and takes practice, but becomes easier overtime. In fact, it’s liberating to show up to job interviews knowing they’re interviewing you, but you’re also interviewing them.
This kind of misses the point. Liking someone comes before those questions. The questions should be answered early, yes, but not till after you recognize that you like the person
At this point I just reflexively like your posts before reading them (because I have liked every one of them so much anyway, guaranteed banger)
This one was so good! And I agree wholeheartedly 💖 Thank you so much for writing
Very well written and 100% true.
Simple and well written. Bravo.
We all change over time. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. Changes, both intentional and “out of left field,” have a growth cycle. We are not “mind readers” even (or maybe especially) of those we are closest to. There are “fights” that are equally “disagreements” and “arguments” that really need expression and exposure to ripen to resolution. Stop “keeping score”; it serves no purpose. Just saying…
Med is right about this. I’ve been happily married over 20 years, and I’ve never had a genuine fight with my wife. At worst , just very occasional expressions of annoyance or irritability, usually on my part.
It’s mostly about finding the right woman. Before meeting my wife, I would have ridiculous shouting match type fights with girlfriends. But since finding a virtuous wife whom I cherish, there is never even the urge to fight.
You start to become my favorite writer on substack, awesome post
Exceptional essay. Thank you, Mr. Gold. Continued success.
Really great post
How do I send this to my younger self. Great post.