No, Fighting Isn't Normal.

Like is more important than Love

“Couples fight.” This is what people in exhausting relationships often tell themselves. Instead of asking if they chose the wrong person, they normalize instability. While it’s true that conflict between men and women is unavoidable, it’s also true that most relationships aren’t inspiring. Fighting is for couples who love each other but don’t like each other — love alone isn’t enough to sustain a good relationship. If you don’t like them, the relationship is doomed to deteriorate or stagnate.

There’s little reason to argue during the early stages of dating, amidst the depths of pure bliss — but after the ecstasy inevitably wears off, many couples find themselves wondering: “What happened to us?” Daily instances of bickering, belittling, and score-keeping wear down their romantic dynamic. Unspoken frustrations tighten into a knot of anger and agitation. Then suddenly, one of you presses the wrong button and all of your grievances rise to the surface. The discussion flies off the rails and it feels like you’re speaking different languages while circling a bottomless drain.

Soon, an ugly fight ignites. You’re at war — whoever inflicts the most emotional pain wins, and whoever breaks down first loses. You say things you regret and apologize later, but some words can’t be unsaid. You wish you could just go back to the way things were, but deep down you know that won’t happen.

Persistent fighting originates from the exact moment you realize they aren’t the person you fell in love with. Maybe they frequently disappoint you, your values aren’t aligned, or they remind you a little too much of your second favorite parent — but you didn’t see this coming. You’re deep into the relationship with this different version of them, and you feel stuck. Even on good days, a fight can erupt at any moment. You can never fully relax because you’re walking on eggshells in your own home. Resentment begins to take shape. They leave the room and you feel a sense of relief.

When you like someone, you want to hear how they feel when problems arise. Your ego becomes second priority to bringing everything back to homeostasis. You want to understand them better because you genuinely enjoy their presence. They make you laugh easily. You want them around more than anyone. When they’re near you, you feel at ease. Months, years, and decades go by and you still miss them when they go to the bathroom.

If you let yourself be blinded by infatuation, you’ll never know who they really are underneath the early stages of romance. It’s possible to find a relationship that doesn’t feel like a project, but a sanctuary.

People reveal their true colors when their world is turned upside down. It’s hard to wear a mask when there’s death in the family, a job loss, or even during a vacation where everything goes wrong. How people manage volatility reveals how they see their place in the world, their expectations, and their resolve. The person you fell in love with might turn into a monster you didn’t know existed, or they may rise to the occasion and show you how strong they can be. This is who they really are at their core. You can only learn this with time.

It’s easy to ignore red flags during the early stages because you’re still in ecstasy. You don’t want the raw excitement to wear off. You lie to yourself in order to stop thinking about it. “They’re just having a bad day. Nobody’s perfect.” Instead of being honest and telling them how it made you feel, you just made life harder for your future self.

For example, perhaps you’re frugal with money and they’re irresponsible with it. Their big spending makes you nervous. You want to express this to them, but you’ve only been dating a few weeks. Your relationship isn’t in a place where you can talk to them about their spending habits yet. The best thing to do is put this problem on the shelf and bring it up when they seem approachable. Raise the topic in a way that isn’t confrontational. Mention that you’re staying in tonight because you need to plan your finances for the next few months. Ask them if they do the same. If they say no, ask why from a curious place. Take a mental note of their response. You don’t necessarily need to end the relationship, but at least the red flag has been confirmed.

Red flags are important. They’re indicators of our inner world. To you, spending money feels like wasting resources. To them, buying things feels like being loved. If you end up getting married you will need to discuss how you’re going to manage finances. If these differences aren’t addressed, the conversation could head to an irrational place very quickly. You won’t see eye-to-eye because they didn’t know you felt this way. They might accuse you of being controlling. You might accuse them of being a bad role model to the kids. You’ll wish they could just understand what you mean, even for a second. A problem that should be easy to solve will feel like pulling teeth. A seed for future fights has been planted.

Another example is how they manage their past. If every ex was crazy and they never did anything wrong, don’t blindly believe them. Notice if this is a consistent narrative in their life. You might be dating the most fun victim in the world, but whether you should date them long-term is something to reconsider. If they still keep in touch with their exes and you let it slide in the beginning, I guarantee your feelings about that are going to fester. You’ll always wonder what they’re up to on their phone. This needs to be nipped in the bud or you’re setting yourself up for a future of jealousy and unnecessary insecurity.

If the distance between your souls is too vast, you won’t have opportunities to grow together. The relationship will stagnate or decline from its highest point. It will feel like a long-term project of managing each other’s insecurities and defense mechanisms.

These problems don’t need to exist. Good relationships aren’t hanging by a thread. If who they really are is complementary or even slightly challenging to you, then you will grow to like them more over time. Your similar approach to life will breed opportunities to learn from each other. A relationship should make your life better, not worse. Every day isn’t going to be 10 out of 10, but it should average to an 8 out of 10. Anything less, there’s a high chance you’d be happier without them.

If you often find yourself fantasizing about how simple things were when you were single, you probably picked the wrong person. If you feel your life would be empty without them, you probably picked the right one.

I’m not saying new relationships shouldn’t be exciting, but don’t be so convinced you’ve found The One too quickly. If they actually are The One, that feeling will still exist even when life throws wrenches at them. Don’t believe that good relationships aren’t possible due to failed relationships of the past, or how you see other couples behave.

A good relationship requires genuinely liking the person beyond the perfect image you initially projected onto them. If you’re actually compatible, you won’t have to force yourself to like them. When love and like are combined, there’s an unspoken optimism that you will never let the relationship deteriorate. Making each other happy becomes your top priority. Liking is the difference between a battlefield and a home.