Valentina: A Crazy Sicilian

I was vacationing in Palermo, Sicily alone. I knew no one, I didn't know where to go or what to do. When coming to a new city for the first time I like to walk around and simply feel out the vibe, talk to bartenders and ask them where they like to go, what they recommend.

I was walking around Palermo and downloaded Tinder. I matched with this incredibly sexy, vividly slutty Sicilian girl. Almost all of her pictures were of her stretching out a loose tank-top to the point where you could almost see her nipple.

We start talking. Her English seemed good. She was telling me she loves going on dates with men from other countries, particularly Americans. It seemed obvious she was looking for a sugar daddy or an excuse to get a green card, but I didn't care. I was there for 3 days and just wanted to fuck an Italian girl. I didn't care about her long-term aspirations.

We make plans to meet up around 9pm in a plaza near my Airbnb. I get there and I'm waiting, waiting. At least 20 minutes. I'm getting frustrated. I tell her she has 5 minutes to show up or I'm going home. 3 minutes later a car arrives with a girl calling my name out of the window, but it wasn't her. I go to the window and she tells me she’s Valentina's friend and to get in.

I had no idea what was going on, but whatever, I get in the car. She proceeds to tell me that Valentina is crazy. Valentina likes to go on dates with foreigners and that right now she’s on a date with another American, but clues me in that he showed up hammered and she wasn't into him. She tells me she thinks she will like me more and to show up anyway. I had nothing else going on and Valentina looked sexy as fuck, so whatever, I did. She drives me 10 minutes away to where Valentina and her date were.

I see her with this guy who was ex-military. He was absolutely sloshed. Slurring his words, being loud, just a mess. I show up completely sober in a leather jacket, jeans and boots and am looking good. I was well-rested. I was horny and confident that this guy had nothing on me. We lock eyes and almost immediately she walks towards me and locks arms with me. The ex-miliary guy is standing there visibly annoyed.

She spoke, and I say this with no exaggeration, zero fucking English. Nothing. She didn't know anything more than "Hi." This girl was an extremely voluptuous, sexy retard. I didn't care. I download an app where I could voice translate with her and we're talking to each other through this app. But the app meant nothing. The eye contact was extreme and intense. We wanted to rip each other's clothes off.

We go to another bar and this ex-military clown is tagging along, walking behind us with her friend. After a while in his drunken state, he sits at a table alone with his head in his hands while clenching his fists. I think "Ok this guy is gonna try to fight me. Whatever, I can probably take him. He's sloppy." I was ready for whatever because I'm so deep into this situation already. If I lose then fuck it, it's already a good story so far.

He yells out something I didn't even understand and starts walking home. Valentina runs after him and starts walking with him. I said to her friend "What the fuck. What the fuck is going on." She says "I have no idea. If I can take a guess she’s walking him home. She looked very into you and he's a mess."

Whatever, I'm already in this mess and I was 90% confident that I had this in the bag so I stick around. I'm hanging out with her friend and a bunch of her friends. The guys she was hanging with were cool and they spoke English. They were asking me about life in America and what I thought of Palermo. There was a DJ in the street so we were drinking and smoking cigarettes and yelling over the music as we were talking to each other. "This is fun but I came here for a reason, wtf is going on. I'll give this another hour."

About 15 minutes later Valentina shows up. She's translating in the app how sorry she is. I didn't really care. It was 1am by this point and I wanted to get this moving. I tell her to come into the bar with me to order us drinks. We go inside and as we're waiting for the bartender we lock eyes for a second. Finally, we’re completely alone. No friend, no drunken ex-military guy. I grab her by the waist and pull her into me and plant one on her. We start making out in the bar aggressively. She translates to me that she's never been so turned on in her life and asks me to take her back to my place.