American Airports Are Hell on Earth
Flying should be a luxurious experience, but it isn’t.
Yesterday I was randomly selected to have my balls fondled by a TSA worker. Again. Women think I’m kidding, but this happens to men all the time. A TSA employee has to feel the front of your dick, the outside of your nutsack on both sides, your taint, then right around the upper thigh and your ass. Your options are to have it done in a private room or in public, or have your flight cancelled. Why? No reason given.
“Put your arms out and spread your legs sir.”
“Why?”
“Because you’ve been randomly selected.”
“What does that mean?”
*points at a screen that shows the letter ‘G’ over my dick*
“What does that mean?”
*morbidly obese TSA manager hears what’s going on*
“SIR! BEING AGGRESSIVE WITH A TSA WORKER IS A FELONY!”
“I’m not being aggressive. I’m asking for a reason. You can’t give me a reason?”
“SIR! DO YOU WANT TO BOARD YOUR FLIGHT OR DO I NEED TO CANCEL IT AND CALL SECURITY?”
I’m not exaggerating. This is exactly what happened. This is what always happens. I give them a hard time about it every time, because fuck them.
Why was she so outraged I even dared to question her? Because Americans put up with it every day. Everyone just rolls their eyes, eats shit, then moves on. We’ve gotten used to being treated like slaves at the airport.
What are my options? I have an important family event I need to attend, so I grit my teeth and I let them do it. And now I’m boiling with rage. I want to beat the shit out of this pencil-necked middle-aged Indian man for groping me in public. But is it something I’m willing to go to jail for? I have to think about it in the moment — but no, it’s not worth it. So I ate shit. Then something broke in me yesterday.
Once I arrived at my gate I used Grok to research suing the TSA for sexual harassment. TLDR — that’s not going to happen. Turns out when you go through security at an American airport, your rights as an American no longer exist. Our precious Bill of Rights doesn’t apply there because the TSA has sovereign immunity. Legally speaking, you’re in another country. They can say and do whatever they want to you and you have no legal recourse. Yep. You read that correctly.
By the way, my flight was in First Class and I waited in the lounge prior to boarding. I’m not saying this to flex, I’m making a point that no matter how much you pay for your ticket, that’s the best case scenario in major cities at American airports. That’s the best experience you’re going to get.
That nice little banger came from my flight experience yesterday — but I’m done. I fly a lot. My passport is nearly filled. I’m rarely in one location for more than a month. I usually drive if the distance is 6 hours or less because I love to drive. But unless there’s a serious family emergency, I’m no longer flying domestically in America. I’ll take the long drive or they can come to me. Between the amount of time it takes, the potential delays, the circling of the tarmac for 20-30 minutes before and after the flight, and how frustrating the process is — the time saved just isn’t worth it anymore.
The way the TSA treats American citizens is just the tip of the iceberg. Everything about the flying experience gets worse every year. The Ubers smell worse, the food becomes ridiculously more expensive, passengers become slower, fatter, and stupider. It’s far more exhausting and frustrating than it is convenient.
The miracle of human flight should be a luxurious and pleasant experience, but it isn’t. It’s becoming a low class humiliation ritual. Here’s what would need to change for domestic flights to be remotely tolerable again:
Security for Citizens vs. Non-Citizens
The fact American citizens have to go through the same process as illegal immigrants and non-American tourists is insane. If you’re an American without a criminal record, this should be noted in your ticket, and you get to walk through a painless security line. Nothing is taken out of your bags and all of your clothes remain on. No one is going to cup your balls. Just a brisk walk through a metal detector to make sure no one is going to try anything stupid, just in case. But you shouldn’t be treated like a terrorist.
There should be two lines.
Non-citizens and Americans with cause for suspicion or criminal records should be forced to put their electronic into separate bins then have their toiletry items put through bomb detectors, and be patted down if necessary. I really don’t give a shit.
Send Them Back
I intentionally didn’t include this in my post because I wanted it to be as non-controversial as possible to get more reach, but the amount of immigrants at the airport is just depressing. They’re almost always morbidly obese and non-European. Indian, Chinese, or some kind of mystery meat.
They slow up the lines because they don’t have any sense of urgency and don’t speak English. They’re loud. They show up with their army of children while speaking foreign languages. It’s demoralizing.
I’m not going to suggest they have a separate line to go through because they shouldn’t be here at all. Anyone who is in America illegally needs to be deported back to where they came from. Or anywhere else. I really don’t give a shit.
Total Uber Destruction
I’m at the point where I hope Elon Musk takes over the market with Robotaxi and completely decimates Uber, Lyft, and any other competitor that still uses humans to drive. Most of the drivers are illegal immigrants and most of them smell like shit, therefore the car smells like shit. Most of them aren’t good drivers, so by the time you arrive, you feel like you just got out of a roller coaster in the third world.
Getting in an Uber used to be a great, borderline luxurious experience, but now it’s the complete opposite. It needs to be automated out of existence as soon as possible.
Plane Tickets: Fats vs. Non-Fats
The fact I need to push my carry on underneath my seat while some 400lb ogre lugs her giant cottage cheese ass to the back of the plane doesn’t make any sense at all. If they’re allowed to get on a plane, then I should allowed to do jumping jacks while the plane takes off. These small but retarded security precautions are meaningless, and everybody knows it.
By the way, did you know you don’t need to put your phone on Airplane Mode as the plane takes off? How do I know this? Because I never put my phone on Airplane Mode. And none of my flights have ever crashed. Look at that!
Anyway, I’m rambling.
The reality is, I hate seeing fat people. They hurt my eyes and they hurt my brain. When I see something I don’t understand, I need to know how it works. When I see someone so fat they need to be driven around an airport on a golf cart, I wonder how they can possibly wipe their own ass. Disgusting, I know. But their blubber is more disgusting.
Nowhere else will you find more fat people than at an American airport. There should be more incentives in place to prevent the fats from flying with the rest of us. Their tickets should be more expensive and they should sit in the back of the plane with the other fats. We don’t have to live like this.
This is indeed the tip of the iceberg. I could go on. A bottle of water shouldn’t cost $9 and a mediocre burger shouldn’t cost $32. All TSA workers should be fired and replaced with smart people, then paid a lot more, so there’s never a 20-40 minute ‘circling the tarmac’ event ever again. It drives people crazy while everyone just wants to get off the plane and move on with their day. I think you get my point.
The airport experience is a disaster, and nothing compares to jumping in your own car, either alone or with someone you care about, putting on some music then driving freely to your destination. There’s something uniquely American about driving freely, and it’s far more American than the torture we all experience at the airport.